Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Vanilla

I think I must have miss-communicated. I don't have a fear of abandonment. She does. Hugely. I'm a strong man, make friends easily, and am a survivor. I am internally validating and secure in my self. I wanted validation(love, affection, kindness, appreciation, intimacy, romance) from my STBX because those are normal human needs in a married relationship. When you are being abused and mistreated constantly despite sacrificing everything to love someone, especially for many years, it erodes the connective tissue of your self worth. Outside my home, I felt incredibly appreciated and loved. The contrast is oddly intense and caused me to feel really confused in my ego. And yes, I have been seeing an incredible IC for several months who has helped me immensely. Best money I have ever spent.


So I finally took another call from STBX yesterday. I have been trying to get her to give me space, and I finally decided that I'd have it out with her about it.

It was a really great conversation. She's completely depressed and broken down because of the loss of me in her life. I was able to express the truth of the situation, explain what her actions have done to me, how they have altered our relationship forever. I got her with a lot of truth darts that really hit home, since she was finally owning her mistakes. I owned even more of mine too, so this was not me being punitive. Also, validation techniques may be the most amazing tool for communication I have ever seen. Validation is amazing. Period.

I told her that a relationship is 50/50. I refused to take more that half the blame for it's breakdown. I told her that love is a choice. That I have not always been in-love with her, or felt romantically towards her, but that that's emotional and situational. Love is a choice. Feelings change, but love endures.

I held her responsible for last year, where she just threw it all on me and would not work with me. She said last year that I would just have to figure it out myself. I finally rebuked that, and said that her husband was standing in front of her every day saying "I love you and have loved you your whole life. What can I do to make you feel it?. I will do whatever it takes for you to feel my love. Work with me to fix it." She gave me no quarter, refused to admit any wrongdoing, refused counseling, and left me to burn in my every moment sending me mixed messages, coldness and heartbreak.

She said that it would be artificial if she told me. Asked me how I'd feel if she asked me to do that. I said I would be overjoyed to hear that my mate loved me so much that they were willing to re-pattern their life to make me feel it.

I held her to the fire on the affair. What she did, it's effect on me, the agony I am feeling. Told her I don't trust her and don't know if I ever will again. Told her that she lied to me, many times, and that she was delusional if she thought that I would be fine with that.

I told her that the truth no matter what is that she didn't want to work with me to fix the marriage, that she wanted out, slept with another man before we were divorced, and that I am divorcing her and moving on with my life.

She kept saying that I was her best friend. I told her that a best friend wouldn't have done that without telling me. Without asking. Without giving me the time to grieve. Told her that my best friend in high school approached me because he wanted to ask my recently ex girlfriend out on a date, wanted to know if it was ok with me. I told him no, and he didn't. That's how a best friend treats you. And worse, this was my wife who new my heart better than anyone in the world.

I feel like a million bucks this morning. I have my kids with me, I have my dignity, my STBX is giving me space and finally has owned her contribution to our problems. She is finally getting it. She stood by her belief that I gave her permission to go after this guy, and I would not let it slide. I told her that what I said was that you have to choose your husband or him. If you want to be with him, go for it. I won't be your plan b. She made her choice. I also was assuming a common moral standard. I meant, if you want to be in a relationship/married to him, not go have sex with him a few times because it's fun. Either way, she's finally feeling the loss of me, and while I don't want to hurt her, it gives me the upper hand in moving forward into my new future.

I just reread my post, and I sound callous, but all it would take is for her to reach out her hand and I would take it. Right now, I would take it and I would love her to the stars. But she won't, and I'm not chasing her any more. That ship has sailed and I am going to be happy in my life without her.

She did say that if she felt like she could be happy with me, and if she could get over her pain that she might have felt romantically towards me. I didn't really acknowledge it, but what she was really saying was, be my friend, show me you can be happy and healthy, and maybe I'll feel different. But that's a hook I'm not biting just yet. I need to get some distance and happiness. I'm done with hope. I gave my little last ember of hope to God to look after. It's burned a hole clean through me.

Thanks all for reading, I'm finally coming out of the darkness and I feel so powerfully thankful for all of you. You have changed my life.