I had a very nice three weeks. I got to have my children for three weeks straight--sometimes just my daughter, sometimes just my son, and sometimes both of them. I loved it. My son seems to be coming around a bit. I love that I got to bond with him one on one. It is a lot easier with my daughter. I also got to have the dog for a full week.

Dropping them all off yesterday was very difficult. But I decided to show H my sunshine throughout all of our exchanges. To let him see me sprouting. It isn't too hard to do, but it is confusing. Because I realized I can either feel love or hate for him, nothing in between. So when I show him my sunshine I feel loving and then I have to remind myself what he did to me, so that I don't start wanting that marriage back. And I am so confused. I do still love him. After everything he did to me--I still love him. And the only way to overcome that is to hold on to the anger and hate him.

When I have to drop off the kids I always try to find something fun to do after. This time I planned a movie outing with my aunt. I knew that the movie night was arranged by her church--but I didn't realize that the movie itself was a Christian movie. It was called "The War Room". And it was quite heavy handed, but also so on point, and pretty funny and well-done. It really was what I needed.

The thing that made me sit up an pay attention was when the spunky old woman asked the MC if her relationship with God was hot or cold, and the MC responded "somewhere in the middle" so the old woman gave the MC a cup of luke-warm coffee, and said, no one likes luke-warm. It was early on in the movie, and it was exactly what I was just complaining to my aunt about. That I wish I could just not care and be "MEH" about seeing H--but instead I run hot and cold. Love and hate. Both extremes. And I think my answer in that movie was that I can't have luke warm with him. And hate is getting me no where. And love hurts more than anything I ever imagined right now. But I can't hope for luke warm. That is the wrong goal to have.

I am completely unclear on all of my goals at this point in time. I am still very much in limbo and still very much confused about just about every aspect of my life. I think about the man I met last month. He wants to get together again, and since I have been pretty busy with the kids and the dog, and everything I haven't had to think about if I should or shouldn't pursue that. I am not looking for a relationship--not at all. But I like the company. I just don't know if it is a distraction or a GAL. I really feel like I don't know anything right now.

So that movie inspired me to create my own war room. I don't really have a particular room or closet available like they had in the movie, but I can still do the work I need to do at my kitchen table (my beloved grandmother's kitchen table that--when brought into my new home made me feel like she was right here with me).

I just finished my first prayer. All I can ask for today is clarity, because I have no idea what I want--and therefore no goals in mind. So the first thing that I need is for those things to be made clear to me.


40s 2teens M14Y
BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14
BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14
EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues
Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15
D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17