Still DB'ing - Still Learning from WAW (6)

[asitis]

You may be right on the trying to assuage her guilt, but she still is feeling guilty because she recognizes that she is causing someone she still cares for pain. That is a good sign mixed in with a possibly bad sign. It still gives you a couple clues.

First, she still cares about you & she still is focused on you and paying attention. This is an opening to connect and build something (be it friendly relations, friendship, or something more). Also, she is watching & will see your 180s, your GAL, your detachment, your lack of pursuit, and this will have an impact on her. Where that will lead isn't clear, but when you make a change, you know that it will have some impact on your dynamic. That is a really good thing.

Second, if you get the vibe that she is assuaging her guilt, then you know she is still wanting space and that you need to keep away from any pursuing behavior and just keep your GAL & friendly detachment. Not time to start suggesting doing things together yet. Now, whether she actually feels this way is a hunch on your part, so you'll need other evidence to give you clues whether your hunch is being confirmed, unsupported, or really, really unclear. Nothing wrong with the cautious approach until you start getting real patterns of behavior that suggest otherwise.

I have to say that I think several of us who have chimed in have seen more positive signs that suggest that while she still may be in the mindset of sticking to her guns, that is taking some will power and there are some feelings (possibly not conscious to her yet) pulling her in the other direction.

Nothing for you to change really. You're doing well in your interactions for the most part. I understand wanting to have a skeptical outlook to avoid getting your hopes up and get hurt further, and of course you are there interacting with her & we are just reading your reports. Still, I'd be a little less pessimistic than you are given what you've told us.

Keep on keeping on.

Thanks As, I see the positive signs, I do. I'm also a bit jaded by my W. I believe what she's told me as far as what she wants. It's also not the first or second time she's told me this. I believe I'm at that place where I miss her, love her, but also look ahead at my life without her and think it's going to be fascinating.

I truly appreciate your completely outside perspective, nor do I believe I can look at my sitch objectively. I can see the points you mentioned, and positives that Wonka mentioned. Maybe I am just guarded against getting my hopes up.

So much of DB'ing seems to be giving yourself completely up to fate or a higher power. But doing so and then doing a hell of a lot of hard work here on the ground. Fate is going to decide whether that hard work will pay off in the form of reconciliation, and the only possibility of reconciliation exists if you do that hard work and leave the rest to fate. If that makes sense.

I'm in for the work. That's happening no matter what. I'm excited for it, and am completely turned on by learning all of this and using the little interactions I have with my W as learning experiences. I'm grateful for those opportunities in themselves. They are true nuggets of life wisdom that I wouldn't get otherwise.

Thanks for stopping by, I've made it to the cushion four mornings this week and am really digging the time down there.

Big hug,

PP

I wouldn't say most DBing is giving yourself up to fate or a higher power, but you do need to refocus on accepting things for what they are rather than what you think they should be.

If you stop over to my thread, you'll see that I've gone through a lot of the same questions/challenges you are. I had to accept what she was saying. It took my focus off of her. I accept that nothing I do may ultimately save my M. I don't accept that what I do won't make a big difference in the outcome. That outcome may be us D'ed, but it will be a better D than otherwise. It will be me being able to work w/ her as co-parent (your child is just a furry baby who won't require multiple decades of active coordination). It will be me moving ahead w/ my life and not putting my life on hold any longer. No, I'm not ready to date or anything like that, so that's not what I mean. It is going forward with my life as it is right now (that is how do I move forward knowing I'm not ready to move on R-wise). Not living in limbo. The legal side and the practical side are not the same thing. The legal reality may take a long time. We may change course along the way. But practically, it is moving the focus on to my life. She is just the mother of my children right now. I have a life that I'm responsible for. Some day it may be more than that. But the best thing for both of us is for me to move ahead without her. She will either follow along, or she won't.

You are actually doing much better than I think you see. But that doesn't make things emotionally easier. Accept that you need to feel how you are going to feel even if that doesn't meet the 'reality' of what the rest of us see. It is your reality. Our emotional life and external circumstances often don't match up. We need to respect that and embrace that emotional reality.

You're doing really well. This is really hard. Those aren't contradictory. It is just the mess of life as it is.