Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

mutatio
Thanks for keeping up with me. It's been the hardest 2 weeks of my life, but it is such a help to have someone cheering me on.

Vanilla
My fear of loss is only that I have become codependent with this woman. The scared and hurt little girl that's down in there is something I have been caring for and protecting for 25 years. In some ways, my STBX is almost like my child. You see, she was the victim of sexual abuse by another little girl at the age of 5. Her mother actually caught them in the act, then proceeded to publicly shame them in front of their entire church. Since that time, she struggled with suicide, rebellion, drugs, self-inflicted wounding, you name it. It is in that space that I met her, and immediately became the stable, loving friend that helped her through everything. I married her, not because I was in love with her, but because I wanted to help and protect her. This created an enormous bond for me. She still sleeps with a teddy bear. Her outside has become hard, but way down that little girl comes back out and shows her wounds. Please don't leave me. Please protect me. Because she was unable to love or give back to me in my kindness, there was no relationship in the normal sense. So after all those years of abuse and emptiness, I would lash out, trying to provoke the love that I needed. It's messed up, but that's the truth. Even now, after the betrayal, the agony she has inflicted on me, when she calls me, when she is afraid, it triggers this deep response in me that begins that codependency, that enabling behavior. That's why I have to cut contact as much as possible.

sandi2
Bless you for taking the time to reach out to me. I am so desperate for some understanding and I want to thank you for being there for a total stranger who's going through the worst time of his life.