Last night, I told my W that no matter how good a mother she thinks she is, a good mother does not destroy her family. I told her that I know she remained with OM even throughout the months of MC, wasting my time - that she never recommitted to the R. I told her that I pity OM if he ends up with her. Then I said they deserve each other. There were a lot of heated words, some truth darts interspersed. I just don't want to rehash them anymore. I am ashamed. Getting them off my chest made no difference to my sitch. If anything, I felt 10 times worse.
Well, it's the morning after. Now that I have had some time to parse things (and cry), here are my thoughts: 1) I felt terrible most of the morning because I lost my composure. I was angry at myself for the hurtful words used. Even if they are true. I was angry at myself because I allowed WW to dictate my behavior. I have a choice in how I behave and respond. I am RAI - I am supposed to rise above it. 2) I am frustrated that any anger I show is evidence she shores up to demonstrate how terrible I am. 3) I feel bad because the Kids were still awake upstairs and heard us arguing. I don't think they heard any details, but I would really feel terrible if they did.
I left the house immediately after to get together with a friend who helped me decompress as little. S13 felt the need to call me moments after I left to see if I was ok. Some lighthouse I am to him!
At first I really beat myself up for my lapse last night. The more I think about it, it was not that big a deal. I have feelings. I have restrained myself for a very long time. I am not perfect. RAI can't always rise above it. Anyone in my sitch will lose their composure at some point. Saying hurtful things now is like breaking a window in a building that is about to be demolished. Married couples, even in the best of circumstances, fight and say things they regret. So it is at least excusable (not ideal of course) if someone in my sitch does the same. I am human. I am not a robot. I know we will have to co-parent at some point. I don't see this fight as an impediment.
All in all, it was a terrible way for our M to end - 20 years, to the day, from the day we met. Poignant or just coincidence? Who knows.
