The mystery of life and the complexities of it are amazing.
I can recognize the depression and despair but it's like looking at another person. I'm talking about me. The disassociation ... feelings of being adrift, I'm letting them wash over me. I do not want to stay in this pit, I don't want to remain the victim of circumstance.
I went to a work retirement party yesterday, I felt a chill when people looked at me. As we both work at the same company, everyone knows and I have no idea the narrative what she told everyone. I guess it does not matter, I held my head high and circulated. No one brought it up and of course they wouldn't but I could see it in their eyes. The folks that didn't knpw all said "Hi, how are you and W and kids?" I just smiled and said "everyone is doing great, thanks for asking."
So many decisions to make or respond to problems are just not my priority right now. Just getting through the day are. Handing over kids today so I must get my GAL going.
W keeps asking about items (photo books, sports equipment) from "hone". I said I don't know where they are, and if I find them I will certainly give them to you. I honestly don't want her family photo albums, I can't bear to look at them even if I found them. Her replay was "Just tell me where they are, I just would like to know". I so wanted to say "Yes, there are lots of things I would like to know too" but I didn't.
I must find a way to move past all of this. Putting it in the past is my escape hatch. As long as I deal through the lense of "you hurt me" all communication is damaged. So, I have to let that go. I know that and think about the best way to accomplish that a lot.
Thanks everyone. Always appreciated to just let me journal a bit and I guess vent.
