Let's All Be Like Coffee

[Zues126]

Really tough couple of days and feeling more like a mushy carrot than that glorious cup of coffee. I feel like I have regressed back the weeks right after BD. Sadness, incredible heartache, no appetite and no sleep. I guess the finality that comes with filing for D is causing a second wave of grief. Of course there are also brief moments where I question whether it was the right step to take. Maybe I am being the coward now by giving up too soon on my H and M. I am just trying to be gentle on myself and allow myself some time to be sad and know that for right now that is ok.

I think I said this before, but I think in many ways DB can keep us from grieving enough earlier on since we are working so hard on ourselves, GAL, and still having hope for a new R with our spouse. Now that hope is so so faint that it is virtually invisible. It is not helped by the fact that there is no emotion coming from H. We are one step closer to D and he shows nothing. Maybe he grieved a long time ago before BD or maybe it is numbed by his A or whatever else he is doing. Whatever it is, it feels like a kick in the gut.

Just can't seem to stop the tears at the moment.

BT, I agree that denial is a danger of trying to 'stand by your M'. I am all about this principle, and DBing. And maybe denial is such a natural part of the grieving process there's no avoiding it, and these forums just give that denial a form to take. But I do think letting go and moving forward is so important.

You didn't make any decisions. Filing D? After he BD's you, betrays you, then when confronted looks you in the eye and tells you he's not going to end his A or even keep her out of your very own bed? No, the decision to protect yourself isn't a decision. This is self defense all the way.

There is absolutely nothing noble in being mistreated, abused, betrayed, and destroyed repeatedly. It's "nice guy" syndrome to think that if we just put up with enough pain then somehow God will reward us with what we want, a restored M. That's not how it works. There's no payoff for being stupid. Just years and years of more pain, more betrayals, and more of the same. I am so glad you aren't going to put up with that, because it's not ok, the vast majority of the time the cheating spouse won't change, and if they do it will be BECAUSE you won't put up with it.

I did read on another post about the article, about how men's #1 need is to be admired/accepted/approved of by their wife. That for me is completely true. And understanding and wanting to fulfill my desires physically was tied to that for me. That was neglected in my R, to the point where my M was teetering on the edge. I am really proud of you for still reading about this, learning about this, reflecting, even in the midst of your own struggles. I see how you are talking and think that you will be a much better partner, more validating, and more nurturing.

But A's and BD's are never ok in my book, and completely disproportionate to whatever problems you two had together. So I applaud your 'decision' (which was the only option) and feel you should continue to move forward without remorse. You can feel loss. You can feel pain. You can feel denial (hope), and anger. But you darn sure shouldn't feel responsibility at this point.