Hey all, I just started a thread in "Just for Fun." If anyone wants to join me, I am about to start a 12 week program of weight training (got out of last years Muscle and Fitness magazine -12 Week Rock Hard Challenge.) H and I did about a month last year and quit due to time constraints. This year, I am sticking with the full 3 months and would love to have some partners. My goal is to join a fitness competition next year. But, aside from that goal, it is a fabulous program for weight loss, muscle building, whatever. It's a great magazine, one I've read for half my 32 years of life, and I respect the program they've put together. The Incredible Shrinking DBers
Don't completely accept the blame for the OW... there may have been something missing in your M, but the logical person realizes that having an A isn't the answer to that dilemma. The logical person admits that things are tough and resolves to work through things rather than run away from things.
If your H feels that he doesn't deserve you, all the WOA you can sling in his direction won't hurt. But HE needs to figure out why he feels so bad about himself. He sounds like his own worst critic (aren't we all?).
Part of what I learned in the first 5 months in MC was that Mr. Wonderful didn't feel secure as the head of our household... that is, I made all the decisions unilaterally, and if he disagreed with me, I'd eat him like the fish he is.
I've made a concerted effort to build him up in this department by giving him "charge" of things. In the beginning, he reverted right back to me, asking me for my opinion or to help him with the decision. I had to play stupid, biting my tongue, and just tell him I had faith in whatever decision he made.
In the beginning, it was definitely an ACT AS IF. I didn't have faith in him or his ability to make good choices! I'm still not there yet 100%, but I've decided that if the balance of power in our R has to be equal, he needs my support, not sarcasm or my former snide comments or bossy ways.
This really is about your H feeling trustworthy and dependable, as well as supported and valued. Their masculinity is often defined by their perceived ability to lead.
I know this sounds crazy, but I had heard it in MC, read an awful book that is a detriment to the feminist movement and heard it firsthand from a lot of people that I wore the pants in the family.
Then another poster recommended The Power of a Praying Wife. I'm a firm proponent of that book. She describes the man as the head of the household and the woman as the heart of the household. Well, why didn't someone tell me that I'm just as vital if I'm not the head?
Then one morning I was lying in bed sipping my coffee while flipping through the channels. I normally do NOT listen to televangelists, but I happened to surf onto one whose message was just for me. You guessed it: it was the true biblical meaning of being the head and heart of a household.
This wonderful guy said that a wise man seeks counsel from his wife for decisions to be made for the family, but she should support him if he chooses differently.
It's all about validating and trusting. Seeing things from a perspective that does not say in action: IF YOU DON'T DO THINGS MY WAY, IT'S WRONG! It's about being feminine without being a doormat. It's about supporting a man in the name of divine love...
If you're anything like me, it took a really long time for me to think about this subject without getting angry and insulted. I am a very independent woman! However, I can honestly see how things might feel from the other side.
Now unless it's a decision I must share with him, I keep my mouth shut. My typical answer when he asks me questions I have no business answering is "what do you think?" It sounds inane, but I've discovered that Mr. W. rarely wants my opinions on those matters--he wants me to support the conclusion he's already made. He's guilty of wording his sentences poorly, but there is a law against shooting someone who can't express themself well!
Take care and relax. You're okay in my book!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: Take care and relax. You're okay in my book!
You're sweet, thanks.
I am very independent. I've always thought my H does love that about me. But you may be right, he may want to be "head of household." After all, I am only one of 5, and the rest are his "family." (kids)
He ATTOTB began making decisions with the kids for the first time. It used to be that any time we were anywhere with the kids it was Elaine! Elaine! Elaine! Elaine!
It was his kids and him, constantly asking me questions, trying to fight over my attention, whatever. One day in August, just after the bomb, he turned around in the car and said, HEY! I'm here too! I'm your father! Why don't you ask me a question?
Well, since then, he began not asking me for my advice with the kids. It hurt, I felt he was cutting me out of their lives. But now I can see more clearly and know that he was hurt that I replaced him in their lives. Whenever they had something to share or ask or cry about, they would come to me. But I have only been in their lives for 6 years, and he has been there for all of their lives.
I'm going to try hard to let him take control more. Laurie (DB Coach) told me I should try that also. If I am getting this advice from several sides, I should probably try that.
I think you have an excellent handle on your next interactions with your H. Perhaps it's time to add a goal to your list?
Laurie is my coach too, and I've found her advice not only welcome, but right on the money. Laurie, if you're reading, I LOVE YOU! (Signed, Bob Barker).
Take care and keep smiling. You've got lots of reasons to smile. Losing 20 lbs is good enough for me!!!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Wow. Go Betsey! It's really good to watch the two of you talk through all of this stuff (hopefully I can finish reading it all soon ), and I think Betsey's made some very interesting observations. I would agree with her at least that you need to be a little more patient and not push so hard--it's the lesson I keep having to read over and over too.
Rottzilla--Hope you had a nice cuddly evening with your favorite guy!
Renew and Dazed--Thanks for your confidence in me. But don't forget the reason I'm here--I'm a blithering idiot who didn't learn from the verbal cues. I only make sense now because I've walked the walk! LOL
Patience is definitely the name of this game. It didn't come unglued overnight, and it ain't going to get repaired overnight either!
TTFN and TTYS!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
H just came in and asked what I was doing. I told him I was talking to some friends and he got a cute, pouty look.