Let's All Be Like Coffee

[V2pt0]

Really tough couple of days and feeling more like a mushy carrot than that glorious cup of coffee. I feel like I have regressed back the weeks right after BD. Sadness, incredible heartache, no appetite and no sleep. I guess the finality that comes with filing for D is causing a second wave of grief. Of course there are also brief moments where I question whether it was the right step to take. Maybe I am being the coward now by giving up too soon on my H and M. I am just trying to be gentle on myself and allow myself some time to be sad and know that for right now that is ok.

I think I said this before, but I think in many ways DB can keep us from grieving enough earlier on since we are working so hard on ourselves, GAL, and still having hope for a new R with our spouse. Now that hope is so so faint that it is virtually invisible. It is not helped by the fact that there is no emotion coming from H. We are one step closer to D and he shows nothing. Maybe he grieved a long time ago before BD or maybe it is numbed by his A or whatever else he is doing. Whatever it is, it feels like a kick in the gut.

Just can't seem to stop the tears at the moment.