Time to let go......how?

[asitis]

for someone with control issues this feels like i have given up, even though i know that is not reality.

It may feel that way, but you are actually taking control of it. You are doing what will work. You are making a big change that will improve your R (even if it doesn't save your M) and will improve your chances for healthy Rs in the future (be they w/ your W or someone else). That is taking control and fixing things. It takes a whole lot of control to not do the things we reflexively do and to change our dysfunctional habits.

I tried to figure the financial part with her, but she kind of roadblocked. She was just not ready to do this as she stated " with our situation, I dont think this is the best idea" all i could do was say ok.

This is something to work on w/ the DB coach then. Get some other eyes on the situation that understand they dance, esp. your particular dance steps.

I have stopped fighting the S even though it is very hard. not seeing my children everyday is frightening to me.

Great. Yes it is hard. The missing the kids & worrying about the impact on them likely wont get much easier, at least it hasn't seemed to for me and most others here. You have to get to a point where you do the best you can and accept that this is what it has to be right now. Just be there for the kids when you do have them. Give them the security and stability and unconditional love they need at this very unstable time in their lives. That's all we can really ever do with kids, as life doesn't always cooperate, and certainly they won't always have things go their way no matter how much we want to protect them. And, play with them. At their level. Get down and see the world on their level and be a kid with them. Child-like wo/ being childless. This will do more to help them process their worries & emotional confusion than anything else. It allows them to feel safe and relaxed enough to open up to you and let you help them.

I have had DB coaching abut 4 times now, so i am working on that end.

Great! I'm very glad to hear this.

GAL...tricky area. my wife is definitely making sure she does this well. She will go out with friends often. when I eventually do, it seems to cause some kind of issue with her.

Don't worry at all about this causing issues with her. This was her choice, and you need to take care of yourself. This is about both of you getting what you need within the context of sharing responsibility as co-parents. She doesn't want to be M to you. Fine, you aren't stopping her. So it is now a quid pro quo relationship. It is a negotiation. If you want this time, then I need this time. If she balks, then you tell her this is not an option. This is the reality that she has created. She can not be happy with it, but that is the way it is going to be.

Now see if you can do that without being too confrontational, but you need to be firm on this. She needs to feel what it is going to be like as a result of the choices she is making, and you have every right to a life as well as she.

Tell her this is not working, that the the kids will do best if both parents are getting equal time with them, and that it is not sustainable if one of you is not able to have time to take care of themselves or bears too much of the burden. Then ask her what she thinks would be best? Don't make this I want vs. you want if you can. Make it about what is best for the kids and the two of you. Enlist her help solving the problem.

If that doesn't work, then you'll have to move to a different approach that is more confrontational and adversarial. But no matter how bad you feel about "making" her unhappy (you participated in this but so has she), you need to show that you need to be treated with respect and fairness. If she won't then you will enforce that right. Again, this was her choice, not yours. There are consequences to choices. This is just the hard reality.

Good luck.

And, it is good to write out responses to your own posts like you are. Do what helps you think through these things.