I just read Debcb's thread. It made me realize that H had an EA with OW because there is something missing in our R. DUH, OK, I already knew that but never thought it through about WHAT he was missing. I just accepted it and forgave him and began trying to move on.
Now, I feel I need to find out WHY.
His mother has always said that she thinks H doesn't feel he deserves me because I am far classier, more educated, and more traveled than anyone in his family ever was. His XW is certainly nothing like me in a social science sense. I have talked to H about this and he says his mother is crazy, he loves(loved-this was in the past he said that) me for who I am and doesn't feel even slightly threatened by me.
However, I am now thinking perhaps there is some part of H that does feel I am "better" than him.
Evidence: (let me know what you all think)
1. He believes everything I say (I am an honest person, and one of those people that knows a little about everything.) and always looks up to me to have all the answers. 2. He always leaves it up to me to plan any vacation or outing, and says he "can't do it." (Why I've asked him to plan our April comedy outing with friends.) During his D and later child custody issues, I did all the paperwork. I have done several similar things that he has volunteered me for to his friends. (Says "Elaine will know how to do that.) 3. The OW he had an EA with was an operator who speaks minimal English and only has a partial high school education. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's far from me, and it puts him above her educationally and on the ladder at their work.) 4. He's commented that of all his friends, he is the only one with a wife that has a career. 5. Of my other two serious relationships, both XBF's put me on a pedestal and acted as if I were better than them. Both of their mother's told them I was too good for them...
Now, I know he is proud of me, but I suppose it is possible he also doesn't feel like we are on the same level in some sense, even subconsciously.
I have always been frustrated by this. I thought mothers wanted the best for their children. I don't know why of my three relationships, they all felt the same about me. Sometimes I can be a know-it-all, but this is often my way of covering for feeling awkward in a social setting. I've worked on this and virtually eliminated it. I never understood where this all came from.
I in no way have ever felt that my H is any less of a person than I am in any way, but I do know that he feels unsure of himself. He's strange, he says he has a good self esteem, but sometimes he just doesn't.
Was this girl able to make him feel loved because she was "lower" than him in his eyes and therefore he was on a pedestal for a little while? H is an engineer and often doesn't let me do things around the house, despite the fact that I am very self sufficient. He recently ATTOTB(at the time of the bomb) said that he felt I had become too reliant on him, he used to enjoy that I was self sufficient.
I'm so confused...
I think that when I asked him to do things for me, he would get annoyed because perhaps he wanted to do something else and felt he always had to do things for me. But when I needed to do something, and he just did it, it was from his heart and that was OK? I think this is correct.
So, how do I show him that I need him without being needy? He is so sensitive to this. Perhaps I will compliment him for things I know he knows he is good at, and ask him to help me with those things. But I can tell him "when he has time" so he doesn't feel pressured.
I want him to feel loved by me, I want to discover what this girl did for him that I didn't. This whole DB thing is beginning to feel more and more like playing Sherlock Holmes.
