I've never posted to you, although I want to say I do read your thread fairly often. You've got a lot of really great things going on here. And you seem to have a lot of positive things to say to the folks who need to hear them.
Happy belated birthday!
You asked for help, and I hope you don't mind my two cents worth. I don't know if you need different goals, but perhaps your approach to them needs a little tweaking?
First off, I think you DO have baby steps that you can work with here. Use them as your stepping stones to a better future.
I think you've just got to exhibit a whole lot more patience--with yourself AND your H. This is not going to fall back into place quickly and on your timeline. I know you're really anxious to put the past to bed, but very rarely does it happen without a whole lot of agony and double the effort.
That being said.... I see your questions and behaviors as maybe pursuing from your H's perspective.
I'm glad you asked him what he meant by his comment about his friend, but it doesn't sound like you were satisfied with the answer. Did you take that personally because you were feeling hurt that he substituted a "wife" and you thought it was negative pertaining to you?
If so, you set yourself up for this. If he had meant, "I feel like you are Rottzilla", then it would have been personal. But I can understand if he didn't mean YOU. In fact, I understood his comment to mean that he was engaged in listening to a really tough dialogue which is normally something that men share with women. Your H's friend is clearly troubled, and I suspect your H is a little overwhelmed at the prospect of being the one he leans on?
Secondly, I also suspect that your H was a little moody because he senses your expectations exceed those which you are actually saying to him. Is this the case?
Rott, I don't think you have any dealbreakers here, girl. But I do think that if you start jamming your will into this equation, you're going to get hurt again. Most folks want to decide when and how much they are willing to put into a R and/or M, and it's really tough to do what is right when the other party is expecting too much.
If you can live in the here and now and be happy with the good stuff that is happening without sending out signals that make your H feel compelled to act out, I think you're going to be A-OK!
So put on your post-birthday smile and just be happy being you!
Take care,
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
