Well guys, I am sooo confused after our weekend. I was WAY UPPPP and then WAY DOOOWN over and over.
We went to the movie together. He told me if I was scared, to grab onto him. Of course, I was sooo scared.
Then we went out with friends. First club, the band stunk. We went to our house to reconvene and decide what to do. His friend that is going through a D got upset and the party broke up. This was about 1/2 hour into my bday night. Oh well, it was H and I and one friend, and we went to a local entertainment club (video games, not "gentlemen's" club...) H was not super friendly to me, very neutral. But when we got back home, he was VERY affectionate.
Sooo, we ML twice on my bday, and then slept in the next morning. We went out to breakfast with his S13 and divorcing friend. Went back to our place and his friend divulged that he is thinking of suicide over his D. Every time he comes over, I am not sure if it helps or hurts our (my H and I's) R. So, H was looking very down and not staying with the convo. His friend does go on and on and on about his STBXW and is absolutely obsessing about it. I felt like we were both losing him (H was staring into distance), he began to drift from me. His friend got up to go to bathroom and I asked H what he was feeling. He said everytime his friend comes over, he feels like his wife. Then his friend came back so I couldn't get a full explanation. I was worried by that as "his wife" is a WAW and I didn't know what H meant by that.
Later, I couldn't take it and pulled H into bathroom and asked him to explain. He said that he is trying to symphathisize with his friend, but he feels like his wife. He and I are going through the same thing, but he is the one w/o love. I got upset, but didn't show it. I tried to validate and thought quickly. I then said, "but I feel like we are so much farther along than them, and we are healing." He actually SMILED at that!!!!!! I think the idea pleased him that we are healing.
Later, we were talking to friend about his jealousy issues. H said he was not the jealous type and even has "let" me go out several times with my friend "Mike." First of all, I never told him any guy's name. Second, I only "went out" once, and third, he was WAY jealous. He grilled me that night, and later grilled me when I said that I had told friend not to call anymore. VERY strange. So, H's friend went to bathroom again and I asked H about it. Reminded him that he did care, he did show some jealousy. That backfired a bit. H said he did not care, I could do what I wanted. I must have looked upset, because H asked if I was upset because I didn't think he would "fight for me." I asked if he would. He said, "If you found someone that made you happy, I would let you go. I want you to be happy." My heart is absolutely racing at this point and I feel like it's about to break. I am so good, though, he would never be able to notice what I'm feeling, I keep a smile on my face. He finishes his thought. "It would hurt, but I do want to make you happy." Whew, at least he thinks it would hurt to let me go. I ask "So, do you think I should have just let you go and have that girl at work." H gets visually mad at this, and I quickly add "I'm just asking to clarify." H says "no." I say "Good, because I didn't want to, and I wasn't about to let you go." H SMILES at this!!!
We went out that night with his friend and friend's BIL. We are playing pool and I purposefully move around a lot. I would go stand by one side of the table, and H would (about 75% of the time) follow to where I was. No real contact or happy stuff, though. But H did seem to want to be near me.
Sun morning we went out to breakfast with my dad and stepmom and H's kids. We then drove to NH to look at motorcycles. H has wanted one for a while, and it was a nice springy day. I sat on one and H said I looked so cute. Of course, this got my "cute juices" flowing and I was super cute the rest of the day. By the end of the day, H was smiling at me, calling me cute, and talking baby talk to me. I wanted Mexican for dinner and we were near my favorite restaurant. We don't often go because it's so far away. H took us to the 99 and I ordered nachos. He remembered I wanted to go to Mexican and got upset that he had forgotten. Said that he didn't know how to get there. I told him I did, why didn't he ask. He got really angry at himself for disappointing me. I told him I was happy with what I had and he didn't look like he believed me.
I have to remember this. I think it is a new key. H does love to please me, and I used to not accept his efforts. I think perhaps I will see some baby steps if he is allowed to do things that will make me happy and I acknowledge them. I did tell him MANY times over the weekend, all the way up to this morning, that I really appreciate all the effort he went to to make me happy on my bday. Most of the time, he would just snort like he didn't believe he had done enough. He said that he wanted to buy me more presents, but had run out of time. (H is a wicked procrastinator.) I told him that giving me a chance with him, and all the things like sending me "Fred" singing me happy bday over my phone were more than I even expected. This is so frustrating because H seemed not to believe I felt those things were enough. I used to not let him love me by saying "No I'm not" Or similar things whenever he would tell me I was beautiful or smart or funny or whatever. But he does the same thing to me and I am so frustrated by his non-acceptance of how I feel about him.
You have to understand everyone, my H is the worlds best looking, sexiest, funniest, smartest, nicest, most loving, caring person I have ever known. He could be a male model, except for a few extra pounds. But he doesn't see it, and doesn't accept that I believe it. Yet, when he says the same about me, he gets upset if I tell him I don't see it. UGH!
We ML this morning and I felt so frustrated because he still hasn't kissed me. He held my hand in his sleep, but closer to morning, I tried to touch his hand and he recoiled like I was a snake. So, it seems that he is consciously trying to stay away from me.
So, you may look and think this is all good, right? But, I felt a distance from him despite all that he was showing me. Perhaps it was my perception, but I really want him to kiss me again. He has removed my picture from his office (a long time ago) and deleted it from his phone (perhaps a long time ago). He won't kiss me and looks uncomfortable when I look in his eyes.
Q: My LL is Physical Touch and H told me last night he thinks all I think about is sex. He says his drive is so much lower than mine, which it is. Should I ask him to read 5LL, or is that a bad idea?
So, what do you all think? Should I be happy with the baby steps I have seen and forget the kissing/hand holding thing for now? Those were my next "goals" and I don't think I will see them anytime soon. Any suggestions you have, I would be very happy to hear. I am confused as I am trying to work towards my goals, and seeming to spin my wheels instead. I suppose I should be grateful for what I am getting. ***It's just that I see so many signs that he loves me and he just seems not to be ready to admit it to himself yet. Why can't he see what I see???*** Maybe I just need different goals.
