WAH - gone almost 1 year, still so hard.

[raliced]

Hey Stacey- it's good to hear from you! I'm running out the door to work but will check back in later.

[SunnyB]

Stacey, first, congrats on being fit, meeting new people, and loving your life!

Sorry your H and his L are causing you so much grief, I think not accepting a mid-point valuation is totally unreasonable. I don't really have any advice on that part, except to look at the difference between the mid-point and what H is proposing and consider it within a bigger picture. Is it a lot of money? If you end up staying in the house another 20 years is it significant? I don't know the answer, but consider if there's any room for compromise within you. No, you shouldn't have to, but then again, if the money is relatively small, it might be worth your peace of mind to have it all over.

And on this part:

Sunny - I have been reading your recent posts with interest. Your H seems to realise none of this was what you wanted so he is prepared to pay the legal costs. I think that is the very least my H could do, but he really does not think he's done anything wrong at all - he wasn't happy and now he is, end of story.

Yes, STBX is paying for it all, and I'm pleased with how it's being handled, but truth is, it's being paid out of joint funds, we haven't split anything yet. So it's just reducing the pot that's going to get split. It's really not any different than splitting the assets and then us each paying our own Ls. My household expenses have been coming out of that pot, but so have his apartment expenses. So be it, that was a small price to pay for the possibility that we might be able to work this out. And as it turns out, it was a small price to pay for being able to keep peace between us. The way I look at it, my grandchildren are worth a few thousand.

Finally, be careful of believing that your H's life is perfect. It may be, it may not be. You don't know what he's thinking. RD reminds me of this occasionally and he's right. H may be miserable in his clutter-free teenager-free apartment, you don't know. And you wouldn't be happy in a clutter-free teenager-free home. So enjoy your kids and let him be.

Hang in there Stacey!

[stacey9]

Thanks Sunny, I appreciate your response. The difference between the mid-point and his amount is around 20K, of which I would receive half. It's just the feeling of giving in, of letting him dictate how it ends up which is getting to me. I could just let it go his way and be done with it, the house would be in my name, he could file for D and that would be the end of it all. I don't know if there's anything else I can do.

A very unexpected thing happened last week - I saw H and OW together. I have seen them in the past while they lived in my town, but they are now living at the other end of the country so this was very unexpected. What struck me was how ordinary they looked, I had been imagining this magical, loved-up existence they shared, but of course reality is nothing like that. He looked sort of hen-pecked and was walking behind her carrying her bags! She is really nothing special at all, although younger than me, I certainly do not feel jealous of her at all. He looked straight at me and I smiled but he totally blanked me.

I felt detached from him and it felt good. I must be getting there at long last.

[SunnyB]

It's just the feeling of giving in, of letting him dictate how it ends up which is getting to me.

What's your goal here? Is the goal to be right, or to move on? That is in no way a snide question, I mean it sincerely. What do you want out of this? Do you want to show him you can be firm and win on principle and fight to the death, even if it costs more than $10,000 in legal fees? (I know a couple that are still fighting after 15 years and more than $2mil in L fees.) Or can you swallow hard and take the financial hit and live with you being the one who gave in just to get away? There's no wrong answer here, it's whatever feels correct to you. Think about it. What do you want the end product to be? And there you'll have your answer.

[raliced]

Hey Stacy-

I know you can't retain another lawyer, but do you have the opportunity to at least consult with another one just to get a second opinion?

I don't know what your financial situation is. $10,000 is a lot of money to anyone. You will have to make that decision. And if it is a purely financial decision - make sure you weight the potential risks and court costs.

And if it is more of an emotional decision......well, Stacey, I would really give some serious thought to just putting this behind you. And if that really feels wrong think about what is to be lost or gained about fighting him on it.

You will get through this Stacey.

[stacey9]

Thanks so much Sunny and Raliced for your input.

For me, it's really all to do with right v wrong. He's the one who walked out on his family to be with someone else so I believe the least he can do is give me half of his savings/assets. Okay so he is signing the house over to me, but he is free of the mortgage, and lives his life without any ties and responsibilities of family. Due to a technicality and also the fact he refuses to meet me half way with the valuation of the house means he will be so much better off financially and that just makes me want to scream.

After I refinance the house I will be paying a mortgage until I retire - at age 65+. So not fair. He in the meantime earns 3 times more than me and is living with OW who I believe also has a good job. I'm sorry, I know this sounds really bitter but I can't help it.

Raliced, I think I will try and get a second opinion, thanks again for your advice.

[Sotto]

Hi Stacey, I get what you are saying. The only thing I would say is try to make it a business decision rather than a personal one. Fact is $10k gets eaten up quickly in legal fees. My L costs £230 an hour and I just paid a bill for £750 to cover routine stuff like checking my financial disclosure. So, I think legal costs versus gain is the big thing to watch out for here.

Good luck with whatever you decide xx

[jim0987]

Hi Stacey.

Unfortunately there are only wrong answers here.

When my parents divorced they argued so much over who gets what that the legal fees meant there was no assets left to split.

More immediately, one option I found worked in my case to resolve this was to factor in all the sales fees etc. Based on the difference between selling or not. Because of things like fees, taxes and mortgage redemption penalties had my XW held out for the higher valuation she was claiming was fair and assuming that we somehow met that (which never happens) then once all the fees were deducted her 50% share would have been less than the offer I was making based on a lower but much more realistic valuation.

Basically she was thinking in gross value and I got her to start thinking in net value.

Not sure if it helps you but it resolved an impasse in my situation

[stacey9]

Thank you Sotto and Jim for your sound advice.

I've still not decided what to do. I spoke to another L to ask about a second opinion but apparently its not the done thing while I have my own L on board. I can try and speak to a client case manager but I'm pretty sure it won't get me anywhere.

H's L seems to have made all the decisions on how things should end up (best for H of course) and I can either agree or go to court. My L has backed down completely and can see no other way to resolve it other than to give in.

I hate divorce.

Thanks again guys for all your invaluable advice.