Thanks Dazed. Even in the midst of your pain, you can still make me smile. You are truly an amazing guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you.
I am SO glad I did not say anything last night. H was moody most of the night. He had told me it was "residual emotions with no thought attached to them." (In other words, he wasn't thinking of *her*, just feeling down.)
Towards the end of the night, he was touching me playfully. And when we got in the car, he went into the trunk and got out my down "car blankie" that he keeps for me (I love to sleep in the car) and tucked me in for the drive home.
He held me last night with his fists clenched again. I got upset and couldn't hold it in. I told him I was going to watch tv in the living room. He asked me to stay and gave me a bday hug (it was midnight by now) and then held me.
This morning, we ML and it was fantastic!!! No kissing yet, but I did discover something that I think may work. Again, lots of eye contact and a few glances at my lips, which made me think he may kiss me. Then, I opened my mouth slightly and wet my lips. I swear, I could see him fighting not to bend down and kiss me passionately.
He did touch me and actually "ML" to me, which was HUGE. It's always just mechanical with him, because he doesn't want the emotion of touching or looking or kissing me. So, this was a HUGE baby step in my mind. And when it was all done, he held my hand for a few minutes as we lay there. Did you hear me?!? HE HELD MY HAND!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!
He kissed me and hugged me several times before leaving and I did a little happy dance because he was raising my PMA SO high. He loves when I bounce around, thinks it's so cute (things which he has not been reacting to for months, he is now smiling at again.)and he gave me a really happy, cute, bouncy smile and wave goodbye from the door he was watching me from.
I did have a moment as we got on the subject of pregnancy last night. My cousin's wife is pregnant again, and a lot of girls are pregnant at work. I just couldn't help myself and asked if he knew anyone who was pregnant. He hesitated and said "Yes, an operator on second shift." Well, his EA was with a girl that is an operator on second shift. So, this morning I emailed him a question and immediately regretted it. I asked if he could put my mind to rest. He replied "Nothing physical" with a HUGE smiley face next to it and a Happy birthday. So, I know that he is being patient and kind with me and I truly appreciate it. (I can't believe I would think he would have gotten her pregnant and NOT told me about it. That's hardly a thing you can hide.)
I almost feel like I have my real husband back. The wonderful, tender, caring, honest, funny man that I fell in love with. Oh, my heart be still. I want to cry.
I know I am still a LONG way from safe, he has not said ILY yet, and I'm not even sure if he feels it consciously. I know I have to contiue DBing, but oh, am I the happiest on my bday that I have been in many, many months. Thank you, Michele, I may not be home, but I am on the path and so close to finding my way out of the woods.
