Thanks Dazed. Even in the midst of your pain, you can still make me smile. You are truly an amazing guy. Any girl would be lucky to have you.
I am SO glad I did not say anything last night. H was moody most of the night. He had told me it was "residual emotions with no thought attached to them." (In other words, he wasn't thinking of *her*, just feeling down.)
Towards the end of the night, he was touching me playfully. And when we got in the car, he went into the trunk and got out my down "car blankie" that he keeps for me (I love to sleep in the car) and tucked me in for the drive home.
He held me last night with his fists clenched again. I got upset and couldn't hold it in. I told him I was going to watch tv in the living room. He asked me to stay and gave me a bday hug (it was midnight by now) and then held me.
This morning, we ML and it was fantastic!!! No kissing yet, but I did discover something that I think may work. Again, lots of eye contact and a few glances at my lips, which made me think he may kiss me. Then, I opened my mouth slightly and wet my lips. I swear, I could see him fighting not to bend down and kiss me passionately.
He did touch me and actually "ML" to me, which was HUGE. It's always just mechanical with him, because he doesn't want the emotion of touching or looking or kissing me. So, this was a HUGE baby step in my mind. And when it was all done, he held my hand for a few minutes as we lay there. Did you hear me?!? HE HELD MY HAND!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!
He kissed me and hugged me several times before leaving and I did a little happy dance because he was raising my PMA SO high. He loves when I bounce around, thinks it's so cute (things which he has not been reacting to for months, he is now smiling at again.)and he gave me a really happy, cute, bouncy smile and wave goodbye from the door he was watching me from.
I did have a moment as we got on the subject of pregnancy last night. My cousin's wife is pregnant again, and a lot of girls are pregnant at work. I just couldn't help myself and asked if he knew anyone who was pregnant. He hesitated and said "Yes, an operator on second shift." Well, his EA was with a girl that is an operator on second shift. So, this morning I emailed him a question and immediately regretted it. I asked if he could put my mind to rest. He replied "Nothing physical" with a HUGE smiley face next to it and a Happy birthday. So, I know that he is being patient and kind with me and I truly appreciate it. (I can't believe I would think he would have gotten her pregnant and NOT told me about it. That's hardly a thing you can hide.)
I almost feel like I have my real husband back. The wonderful, tender, caring, honest, funny man that I fell in love with. Oh, my heart be still. I want to cry.
I know I am still a LONG way from safe, he has not said ILY yet, and I'm not even sure if he feels it consciously. I know I have to contiue DBing, but oh, am I the happiest on my bday that I have been in many, many months. Thank you, Michele, I may not be home, but I am on the path and so close to finding my way out of the woods.
H just sent me a pic on my phone of his toolbox dinosaur "Fred" along with a song. Rah rah rah rah rah rah... etc. Set to the music of "Happy Birthday" It was the dinosaur "singing" to me. I can't stop laughing. And then he emailed me to tell me "Fred wanted to wish you a happy birthday too."
Please tell me this dream won't end. I know the roller coaster is on the ride up, and I am expecting a drop, but I just don't want it to.
wel, I don't know whats up with the b-day present for little girl? But hey loved reading about all the other stuff. I hope you have a wonderful birthday and may ALL your wishes come true!!!! (wink, wink)
Thanks AnitaSues, I'm not too worried about it. It happened Saturday-before we had that talk about what was going on. And Tuesday was the day he "broke it off." So, that was the past, we'll worry about it later if at all.
We went over plans for tonight. As we were leaving in our separate cars, I gave him the sign language for ILY. Force of habit. I caught myself and pulled my hand down and mouthed "sorry" to him. Then I realized I shouldn't have done that either, what a mess. He copied me (gave me the ILY sign, then pulled his hand down) and laughed.
Not sure, did he just do that to laugh at me? I think so. Or was he testing waters? I think he was just having a good time at my mistake and laughing because I had made a big deal out of it.
Oh well, it was funny. I haven't said ILY for so long, no one ever said not to sign it.
Hey Rott- I haven't visited your thread before, I don't think, but will certainly have to now that I know you're fellow March 19th-er (yes, that is definitely not a word!!). Anyhow, hope that you have a great birthday too, I plan on enjoying what's left of the day!!
Yaaaayyyyyy! Happy Birthday!!! How amazing it must feel to have such great interaction w/ H for your bday! I'd jump up and down and do a little dance for you but I'm typing this from a public library terminal, and the librarian 10 feet away from me does NOT look like she would tolerate that sort of thing for even a second.
I love the singing dinosaur. And the car blankie! Don't worry too much about the ILY sign language thing... it's ok, I think it turned out fine.
Quote: I know I have to contiue DBing
Even when it seems like all of this is far behind us we will have to keep this up.
