It is all very complicated. I had those moments too when I beat him over the head about it & it pushed us farther apart. Counseling helped a lot. I know you've said he wouldn't consider counseling again because of what happened already, but I would at least get some IC for you. You have a lot of anxiety & I think you would benefit greatly from IC. It would help you sort through your feelings & find the way to approach all these things you need to say in a constructive way. When I looked for my IC, I was very clear what I wanted out of the counseling. I wanted a pro-marriage counselor to help me find forgiveness, to work through my anger & anxieties & who could help me learn how to approach all the questions I had for H & how to talk about what I needed to talk about without alienating him or making him feel punished. I saw her every week for 10 months. It was the most personally beneficial thing I've done.
I've been doing IC since middle of June. It has helped a ton with me being able to stop confronting him on my suspicions (which are all assumptions). But now I think I am going in the total opposite direction of avoidance. I want to say something but am afraid of backsliding like in the past. But from where I've come from, I am doing so much better (but so is the marriage... so not sure if it is the situation that changed or if I really worked on my anxiety)... I was a huge mess for quite a while. Now, I just have my thoughts that drive me crazy. Before it was crazy heart rate, tight chest, etc. A real true panic attack! So glad to have that gone.
T: 14 M: 12 D: 9 S: 6 BD: 2/18/15 (H affair) Working on marriage: 3/12/15-6/11/15 Broken Trust (my error): 6/11/15 H ring off: 7/6/15; Comm w/ OW confirmed 7/13/15 H wants to work on fixing things: 7/21/15
