Where do I go from here? pt. 2

[beckyb]

Need a game plan. As I have said, H left a lot at the house when he moved back. He told me he didn't move it all because his shoulder was hurt. I just briefly reminded him his doctor told him to come back in if it wasn't better.

Lo and behold, today he texted me to say he went to the doctor. Good news he is listening to me. Bad news it's not my job to care of him any more. If his shoulder was better he wants to come Saturday and move some stuff, if that works for me. It will take multiple days to move what he left.

I think I will respond and tell him I will be home from 10:30 - 4:00 on Saturday. I will also tell him he should get what ever he needs for the next few weeks because I have plans and/or will be out of town. He doesn't know yet that I changed the locks.

[beckyb]

A sticky situation. My SIL's mother passed away yesterday. I will definitely go to the wake or service. SIL and I are close friends. I plan to go when it makes sense for me regardless of what H does. If someone asks me where H is I will say I don't know. We don't live together anymore. If they probe I will tell them to ask H. I'm not going to air our dirty laundry but I'm not going to cover up.

[Avanti]

... He doesn't know yet that I changed the locks...

You might want to proactively tell him about the locks or he'll just use the situation, because he'll be mad at you, as another justification for not wanting to be with you anymore.

Tell him the lock broke, you didn't feel safe, or something and so he'll need to make sure you are there before coming round. If he says he wants a copy, ask why he doesn't live here anymore and you want to strictly limit the number of copies to ensure you feel safe on your own. If he presses further, say "your personal safety is really important to you and you'll think about it".

[beckyb]

I didn't change the locks because I didn't feel safe. I did because it was a boundary everyone thought I should set and they were probably right.. I kind of regret it.

[asitis]

You kinda regret? Either way, I think you own up to what you think is best for you. If it is a boundary you think you need, he needs to respect it. If he can't that's his problem really. Don't make it out to be an always and forever more. It is right now this is a boundary I need to have for my healing and well-being.

If you decide you do regret it, you tell the decision and the reconsideration, and then you give him a copy. Done. Yes, he might react poorly. Then you hold off on giving the copy and see if you reconsider your reconsideration.

I think being honest here about your need for boundaries (or the reconsideration) shows him respect and giving him the chance to have an authentic reaction to your actions/decision. It will likely tell you a lot about whether or not he is willing to respect you back. That's what you want, isn't it?

[Avanti]

Asitis is right, tell him it's a boundary and learn from it. Make the discussion happen when you are prepared for it rather than at some point in the future when you may not be and it gets out of control.

The other reason for sooner rather than later is it'll stop it eating away at you as it seems to be now.

[beckyb]

Beagley and Astis,

You are right. I need to find a way to tell him about the locks. I'll find a way this week. We have to discuss when he can come and move more stuff and my schedule is very full the next three weeks. I'll have to tell him why he'll have to wait and why he can't come over while I'm gone.

[beckyb]

Here's a concern.

Part of my issue with H was that I had to take care of everything. Recently he said "now I'll never had to do anything for him again and I can go and be happy" I'm afraid showing him I'm GAL will just reinforce that I am happier without him. I know I need to , and I am, but this worries me.

I really shouldn't worry about because H has not show any action that indicates he regrets moving out or is reconsidering the A. Although I have not ask about the A at all. He did tell his L that he doesn't want to drag the D out.

[beckyb]

I told him I changed the locks. He said "No problem. I understand." He just really doesn't care what I do.

[beckyb]

What a horrible day. My SIL's (H's brother'[quote][/quote]s wife) mom passed away. SIL and I are close. So I went to the funeral. This was the first time I've seen his family since BD. They are very supportive of me and not happy with H. But the reality that I won't officially be a part of that family very much longer kills me.

H came in shortly after me. We chatted. I looked good. He asked how I was and how the cat was. I told him he looked like he's lost weight. I went to sit down toward the back of room. H came and sat right behind me and continued to talk about this and that. Told me he didn't move all his stuff because he was hurt and he doesn't have any more room in storage etc. I told him I moved it all to basement/garage and it wasn't bothering right now. Good grief.

Then I went to dinner with friends and to the grocery store. Grocery shopping by yourself on a Saturday night really stinks Being single really stinks. This whole thing stinks.

Ok, I'm done now.