Zelda - Baby One More Time

[asitis]

Systematic abuse becomes traumatic, and what your H was telling you about you being selfish and turning things back on you does look like abuse. The hippocampus shrinks and doesn't work well an stressful environments, even if those aren't traumatic, so don't worry too much about whether or not it is trauma. It will have at least that similarity, of difficulty processing memories and resolving emotional turmoil/struggle regardless. It's more complicated, and not just about the hippocampus, but some of the other pro-stress physiological responses that interact with the hippocampus, but that's not really important.

That said, trauma and depression are often interlinked, as the anxiety can lead of the long-term stress that leads to trauma can contribute to what we call anhedonia (lack of ability to feel happiness) because your body is moving to help you not feel anything as a defense to the overstimulation of the stress.

So, good times can seem as threatening as bad times. This is why it takes a slow approach, gentleness, self-compassion, and patience to ease back into the positive stimulation of life. You can't just throw yourself into exciting times and expect to snap out. In fact, that is more likely to make things worse as your body and psyche move to protect you from the threat of that overstimulation stress.

What you are doing is great, so what I'm saying is in no way telling you to change things. Rather, it is just some insight as to why to not expect too much too quickly, and be a bit sensitive to the fact that too much good stimulation may produce some counter-intuitive reactions for a while.

Slow & steady, just like you are doing. I don't have any doubt about you getting through this and coming out smelling like a rose from what I'm seeing.