Time to let go......how?

[asitis]

So, I just caught up on your sitch.

Definitely some control issues. You say you have taken them up in IC, which is great. But one of the most important things you will need to work on is respecting her wishes in this. No questioning. No asking where she's been, who she's been with, what she's doing, etc., etc. That all reminds her of your controlling behavior.

I'd just assume there is OM or are more than one. Not because there are, but because you need to deal with just accepting that you have to have zero control over her activities right now. And I mean zero. The only thing that you have any reason to bring something up is over care of the children and equitable arrangements regarding the children.

When she goes out, it is "have a good time." When she comes back in, you are asleep or otherwise in your room with the door closed unless the kids need you.

Be friendly, but not all that available.

What are you doing to GAL? This is critical and you don't mention much other than that you have your business interests. You need to become the sexy, interesting man you were when your W met you and started falling for you. Someone who placed no obligations or commitments on her. Who she was with because she wanted to be with you, not because you felt you had some right to tell her how she should live. Give up being her H, and figure out how to be that man. That's who she fell for. Hs are unattractive to her. Any OM or just friend is fun because they don't put any conditions on her. Take that to heart and make it part of the new you. Your goal is to become her friend and lover, not her H. Not right away, as now you need to detach and GAL, but eventually. Become interesting again by figuring out what interests you and pursuing it. Obviously the kids come into the picture, and need to be an important focus (it is something you will be that no OM can, is the father of her children, so show the kids some good times and unconditional acceptance and love).

Don't fight her on the S. Don't. Ask her what she thinks is best when she brings it up. Be OK with it, and show her that you think she is an equal and someone you respect by not telling her what you think, but asking what she thinks and considering it. Really considering it. Say that you need to think about what she suggested. Then give it a couple days, and come back to her and tell her that you have been thinking about what she said and your thoughts. Keep bringing it back to asking her what she thinks is best. Not what she wants, and don't tell her what you want. She will fight you if she thinks this is about duelling wants/power struggle. You are asking her what she thinks is best. Best for the kids, best for her, best for your family (mostly the first two). Not best for you. This is your 180. You are considering her wants and needs and showing her that she can work with you and that you hold her in high regard.

On the finances, you will want to work with your IC (or better, a DB coach) very thoroughly on how to change that dynamic from father telling irresponsible daughter what she can and can't do. It will not be easy. She will make mistakes, and you need to protect yourself financially. Still, she needs to control some fair share of the families income. She works in an unpaid job that serves your family. She is powerless and dependent on the finances. She likely has never had to learn self-responsibility on this. Turning this into a cooperative partnership without the power imbalance is going to be key. It will mean that you will need to let her make mistakes and choose things you would not, while balancing the needs to take care of the entire family.

I'd also highly recommend a DB coach. They can help with these dynamics, and leave your IC a bit freer to explore your emotional wounds and needs. It is a good division of labor. Specialist on the R dynamics and generalist on the self care and attending to the underlying drive to be in control that is at the root of some of your R issues.

That's probably more than enough to digest for now. Hang in there. Prepare for worse so that you can weather the storm with dignity. And remember that the being patient advice you will get over and over here (for good reason) also means be patient with yourself. It takes time to adjust, learn, and grow. And, you are guaranteed to make mistakes along the way. Patience, self-care, and a lot of work.