I appreciate everyone, but I'm not doing anti-depressants. Messing with my brain chemistry isn't an option, going to do it the natural way with endorphins and real stresses and joys. I just need more life in my life.
The sudden departure of my STBX from my insides is a mystery to me, however. It's like his hold on my heart has almost evaporated over night. I know that I no longer love him. I don't quite see him clearly, not yet...but I don't miss him. He may have some power to reopen the wound at the hearing. He may not. But I'm happy he has, overnight, moved to the camp of somebody I used to know.
My IC today again confirmed that his behavior wasn't half way normal or healthy - both what she saw herself and what I told her about. She saw the twisting and put downs and manipulation. I need to hear that, I wish I didn't need it so much. I am doing a better job of staying with my experiences. As time marches on, it is sadly the negative ones, from years, that are the vivid ones rising to the top.
She had a good tip for me as I try to sort out his 'feedback' - do my open and honest friends concur? What of it has my family given me that is similar? Unless I see patterns, ignore it for what it is - likely his projections/and or playing on my fears.
I like that feedback. It allows me to own what I can, work on some of the things I first came here with, but walk away with a bit more balance.
I'm getting a tiny bit excited to get on with my life, emotionally.
My neighbor friend went through something similar years ago. I had a particularly bad Sunday, and the following morning over coffee I told her, "I'm just so sick of feeling this way."
"And THAT is the point you will turn around. When you are tired of feeling broken hearted, you've exhausted yourself, you'll make the decision to just MOVE ON."
I'm getting there. IC has warned me I may backslide around the hearing next week, but not to imagine all is lost, I'll rebound quicker.
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
