Alaskangal, Thank you so much for your post. It was just what I needed to hear. I will definitely pull him and not push. I am going to re-read my journal to see what I was doing when he began doing those loving things for me, and I will repeat those things.
Wish me luck everyone. H emailed me at lunch and was sounding down. I may have pursued a bit.
H - Ahhhh, Lunch at last! Me - Nice, glad to see you H - How's your day going? Me - VERY well. Thanks for asking. I'm worried about you, though. Are you stressing? H - yup!! Me - Is there anything I can do for you? H - nope Me - How bout some visualization? Tonight, you, me, a snuggle blanket, some good hot chocolate or tea or beer, some Lobo comics, and lots of laughs. Happy wiggly doggies being their happy wiggly selves. I have to go to a meeting. I think you are wonderful and funny and lots of good things. I know you will be OK, and I am giving you (my best friend) a big hug right now. Go look on MMnet and have some fun dreaming about spring. H - Thanks, Have fun at your meeting
What do you think? Loving and emotionally available, or pursuing??
I'm just north of Boston -- in the northern burbs.
Sage
Very cool, I'm in the area all the time. Just spent Saturday night with some friends seeing a local band in Boston-at the "Big Cheezy" (aka the Big Easy) Great times. Most of my friends live in the Concord/Newton/Brookline area.
Not happy with the snow, but it's actually stopped in Marlborough (where I work). Let's hope it stays stopped.
Quote: Should I mention that I'm in short sleeves and shorts, having a Mountain Dew by the pool?
You are not being too nice to us New Englanders, Dazed. Thought we were friends.
I am feeling a bit down, H will be home very soon. I am trying to up my PMA, so I'm about to go downstairs and workout to some loud music. The combo should get me smiling before long. I keep wondering if he is lying, was there more than an EA, etc. I trust him, but he did hide this from me, maybe I am naive.
But, in the end, I know it really doesn't matter. There's nothing I can do but work on myself and lay back and relax next to Dazed's pool. That should serve as some thought stopping. So, here I am, sipping a nice drink with an umbrella, soaking up the rays. Thanks for the invite, Dazed. Come on in everyone, the water is nice and warm.
Akgal grabs a soda and wearing her favorite bathing suit walks over to the pool. "Ahhhhh, this sun feels wonderful! How is everyone?"
Now, don't start dwelling on things you can not change. It doesn't matter what kind of A he had...just focus on getting your relationship back. Don't focus on the way things were...focus on the way you want things to be and work toward that goal. You can do this.
Believe me when I give you this advice, because I screwed up by not doing this!
Hugs, and splashes, (This Georgia sun is marvelous.) Akgal
Yeah, you're right. I'm not wishing for a better past, just that I can trust him again. Actually, I do trust him, but I just don't always believe him. He is usually an honest guy, but the things he has been going through are by nature deceptive. And now I know that it is why he turned off his feelings for me. He was feeling neglected by me, this girl at work boosted his ego, and over the course of a few months, he began to think he loved her and had to convince himself he couldn't love both of us. Grass is greener.
Yesterday, he wouldn't ML to me or even really look at me. Last night he was closer, but I could see tears in his eyes a few times. This morning, we ML and he held me. I wanted him to look in my eyes and he finally did. Kissed my forehead, and my nose, and looked at my lips a few times.
Then it dawned on me. The reason it bothers me so much that he won't kiss me is that he kissed her. (Don't jump to conclusions. This bothers me because I don't know if he will ever let go of the guilt over kissing her and finally kiss me again.)
He held my hand briefly yesterday under the guise of leading me to the living room. But he just won't kiss me. H is a very guilty type of guy. MIL and XW did that to him, along with his own constitution. I know he didn't have sex with her because he never would have ML to me all those times if he had a sexual R with her. He can't do both at once. I know that because I was (sort of) OW in his first M.
You see, he never loved his first wife. Really, not DB-type ILYBNILWY stuff. He met her when he was 19 and got her pregnant in the first week. He never was friends with her, the same day he was going to break up with her, she told him she was pregnant. So, he got her a ring. Four years later, he asked for a divorce. Instead, she got off of birth control and onto fertility meds behind his back. They had twins, and he stayed four more years. (She has since done the same exact thing to a second H, got pregnant, got the ring and M, he cheated, she got pregnant a second time. This second H has told me he knows she trapped him, but he can't afford to leave.)
Anyway, H loved me and we were friends for a long time. No PA or even really an EA, just a tight friendship. He finally confessed his feelings for me and decided it was time to D his XW once and for all. She had become very abusive and constantly hitting him, throwing chairs at him, all in front of his children.
Immediately, he stopped all contact with his XW and told her he wanted a D. Began sleeping on the couch, etc. He couldn't deal with guilt over giving her a hug when she was crying because it was unfaithful to his feelings for me. A bit overboard, but from that experience, I knew that he did not have a PA per se with this OW. He literally can't do both at once.
However, now it makes perfect sense. He shared kissing with her and therefore feels he cannot kiss me now. It's his guilt.
Also, I noticed this morning that he doesn't turn on his cell phone until after he leaves. I have known for some time because I get the cellphone bill emailed to me that almost every morning she has left him a voicemail.
Anyway, given that I know my H and that as long as he keeps this inside, he will not get over guilt and begin to heal, I want to talk about it with him. Tell him I know the truth and I forgive him. He had tears in his eyes all last night, and this morning. I know he feels badly and that by the tenderness he has been treating me with since the GF called him and it all came out in the open, he is starting to truly allow himself to feel for me again. (Although he keeps feeling it necessary to remind me that he doesn't know yet what he wants in life.)
Also, there's the ASSuming aspect of it. As long as I have anything but a smile on my face, he is going to be wondering if I am thinking about his A and feel guilty each time he looks at me. This may drive him away. His guilt is MASSIVE, and I am very fearful that he won't let me forgive him for this and move on with me. He has already said he thinks I am "handling too much" in regards to this R, and that he doesn't feel he deserves my forgiveness. And he has told me that he understands if I get emotional about the A, he thought I handled it "too well" when we were talking about it. But his actions say that he wants to fall back in my arms and forget this ever happened.
So, my question to you is, do I go against DB principals and bring it up tonight to him and get it all out in the open, or keep letting it go? I know that if I let it go, it will continue to eat away at him. But I also know that if I bring it up, it will make him very uncomfortable and he will not want to hurt me. I feel confident that our M will work if he lets it, he has shown me in so many ways that he desperately doesn't want to lose me. (Jealousy, crying when I brought up D a few times in the past, and his actions when his OW called him, the fear I saw on his face and his words asking if it was over between us, saying a month ago that he didn't want it to end "this way" after I asked if he cheated.)
Do I talk to him about it? I know that each time he looks at me and sees me looking thoughtful, he ASSumes that I am thinking about the A.
Quote: Actually, I do trust him, but I just don't always believe him. He is usually an honest guy, but the things he has been going through are by nature deceptive
Boy oh boy do I know how you feel about this one. When I found about OM months ago and realized how much W was lying to me, my head exploded, it turned my whole world upside down. Here was this person I thought I could trust my life with, and not only did she not want to be around me anymore, she was lying to me like crazy. It was a real mindf__k.
BUT, I feel like I've recovered from that. I accepted that part of the reason she was lying was that she didn't want to hurt me, and I learned that once I changed my behavior and became her friend again she opened up about everything, I mean everything. I think she's pretty much stopped lying to me now, or at least I feel that she has. She may be omitting things right now, but I feel it's probably not in my best interest right now anyway to know everything that's going on w/ OM. Some of this is detachment on my part. And trust, like love, is a choice we must make.
Quote: Anyway, given that I know my H and that as long as he keeps this inside, he will not get over guilt and begin to heal, I want to talk about it with him. Tell him I know the truth and I forgive him...
he thought I handled it "too well" when we were talking about it.
I think he needs to come to you with this, though, it's a choice he has to make, and it may take a while. But you handling it well will make it easier for him, let it happen sooner I think, so keep handling it "too well."
Quote: So, my question to you is, do I go against DB principals and bring it up tonight to him and get it all out in the open, or keep letting it go?
My inclination is to keep letting it go, for now. I think it is something that he needs to share, and you need to hear, but the when and the how are probably crucial. I think there needs be a time and a way that he feels he's bringing it up himself, that it is safe for him to do so, and that he feels he can be so completely forthcoming that all the weight can be lifted. Is there a way for you to prompt this? Maybe, maybe not. I think a lot of creating the safety he needs is you being strong and confident and handling things "too well" while still being tender and understanding--you being so open and receptive and ready that he can't help himself but to be forthcoming. I wish I had a clearer answer.
Quote: I know that if I let it go, it will continue to eat away at him. But I also know that if I bring it up, it will make him very uncomfortable and he will not want to hurt me.
This is not a burden that you have the ability to take from him. Constant reassurances from you will only keep it in the forefront. I would think it best to allow it to heal under his time frame. Guilt is a strange emotion, especially if MIL and Ex knew how to heap it upon him. I wouldn't change your approach unless it stops working. From what I see, you have it working pretty well!!
Is there anything I can do for you? 
Come on in everyone, the water is nice and warm. 
