Good morning....been reading your posts..I feel your pain....like you I waited a long time to reach out and try some thing different.
I am going through the same things...vacillatino between extreme anger and mournful sorrow...all I can say is hang in there..what's worked for me so far;
On rage days, hit the gym..go for a run..channel it productively. .don't hide it..run from it or deny it its place.. Get it out..then move forward.
On sorrow days, mourn..cry..write it out..get the hurt out ..don't stifle it..don't short change it..as men we have been taught not to cry not to get emotional..sometimes that catharsis is what our soul needs to continue...
Read everything on the board,....above all be you..do you..
