It's time to change.

[joss]

Hi uRworthy Thanks for your message. I am not familiar with anyones threads/stories yet so will do a bit of reading.

It would be best if you posted in only one forum..newcomers or MLC so that we can follow you. Newcomers has more activity, but can move quickly so your posts will be further down.

MLC has less activity but we are more familiar with the crisis.

I think it would be best if I posted only in the MLC forum as that is bsically what I've been dealing with for coming up to 5 years. Is there any way for me to move this thread over there? I initially sent in 2 posts (both the same-ish) because I thought the first post hadn't been received. When I posted the 2nd one, I saw the message saying it takes a few days to be posted......

Your h has given you good information, just be careful to own only your stuff. Look at what he's said and then decide what has merit.

Yes I am going by what I:ve noticed in myself over the past couple of years. He has a lot of interests and can communicate about a vast amount of topics (due to him working in a university, surrounded by intelligent, interesting people), whereas I have little to say, so there's nothing to talk about. OW has worked with him for 10 years and is in the same line of work so they have lots to discuss!

you will learn and grow in incredible ways if you do the work.

I am finally able to take this on board now that I have headspace. I feel I havelet myself down by not doing this before, but I was only partially successful in detatching with him at home. I can't change the past, but I definately feel a lot more able to detatch now.

One major realisation I have had recently is that I haven't spent any time alone since I was 16. Since that time I have been in 3 long-term relationships and haven't learnt how to grow up into independence. I think this is why it has taken me so long to ask H to leave, despite knowing about his affair since the beginning.

Show him a positive, upbeat Joss when interacting.

I feel a lot more confident in myself since he's been away. I feel a lot more positive and more in control, and crucially, I can see what needs to be fixed FOR ME to be happier in myself.

Dropping the rope doesn't mean you don't care.

I am starting to get that. I knew it in my head before but didn't feel it inmy heart. But now I do. This space is doing us both good, I:m sure.

Start to live the changes you want to make.

Have made a few plans to socialise (yikes...) and have started reading again. Little steps...

Joss