Oh, I just meant I wasn't sure how to handle this exactly. I'd maybe figure out the most profound part of it, give it to her in a way that had been filtered of any connection with your failed M and left her wanting to know a bit more, then tell her you're still processing quite a bit too. That's my best shot. Let me know how it goes!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thanks Z, that's great advice. I'm still filtering everything through my M, and how it effected my M. I also want to talk to my W about all of that.
It's a mix of defending myself, blame, accepting blame, and explanation. It's also clearly a sign that I have a lot more detaching to do. I thought a lot about your post last night and how I can share my experience of the weekend without tying it in at all to our M. That's not "hard" to do, but will necessitate my ego staying out of it, and the part of me that still wants us to end up back together.
Detaching is such a challenge, and has so many darn layers to it.
I spoke with my IC yesterday extensively on what we project into our experiences, into our M's, into our our partners, and into our lives. He asked me to write out everything that I hope to "get out of" next year, what I believe I will experience and how that would shape and change me. He told me those are the things I need to bring into my life no matter what.
He had asked me to do the same about my W, what did I "need" from her - unconditional love, support, a sense of fun, of limitless possibilities. Now that she's gone, how to create those experiences and feelings in my own life.
The journey continues, yet again I see why all of this takes so much time and how foolish it was to think that a two week break and some hard decisions about sobriety would solve everything.
May everyone on here find 5 minutes of meditative peace today.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I know for me, all that 'self work' while some was ties into the M and mistakes I made ... the core stuff was things about me that not only affected my M, but also other relationships.
I lean more towards being a bit mysterious about what you learned, what you are dealing with ... one could even just tell the W the DB go-to "I have been making some progress, I am happy with the results thus far, I still have some ways to go ... given the chance I would do several things differently" .... if prodded then you can just list one or two things you would do differently in your M ... this is all YOUR perspective on yourself that might align up with legit complaints she had. None of this is aimed towards her, nor your M per-say ... just self reflective stuff. The less details you give, the more she can think about it and connect her own dots.
Sounds like your IC is on the ball ... it truly is all about YOU right now.
I am with V on giving W some generalities on the theme. The key here is NOT to make it all about the M or W. You would want to be judicious with how much you share with W given that you two have had no contact for 4 months. Do this in dribbles as you two will need to re-build a friendship.
You don't scare away a new friend by getting too intense or deep, right? Same with W. She is a new friend that you've just met two weekends ago and starting from square 1. With that mind set, I think you'll do fine.
I know for me, all that 'self work' while some was ties into the M and mistakes I made ... the core stuff was things about me that not only affected my M, but also other relationships.
I lean more towards being a bit mysterious about what you learned, what you are dealing with ... one could even just tell the W the DB go-to "I have been making some progress, I am happy with the results thus far, I still have some ways to go ... given the chance I would do several things differently" .... if prodded then you can just list one or two things you would do differently in your M ... this is all YOUR perspective on yourself that might align up with legit complaints she had. None of this is aimed towards her, nor your M per-say ... just self reflective stuff. The less details you give, the more she can think about it and connect her own dots.
Sounds like your IC is on the ball ... it truly is all about YOU right now.
Thanks Cali, I appreciate this. I'm still trying to make it about her and my reactions to her. That not only takes the focus off of me, but will inevitably feel like pressure for her. I can't make it about her without her feeling like there is some expectation of "now that I've figured it out....what do you think?"
I'll keep it about me and keep it minimal. DB'ing is still not my default mode of operating yet, but it's getting there.
Thank you.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
I am with V on giving W some generalities on the theme. The key here is NOT to make it all about the M or W. You would want to be judicious with how much you share with W given that you two have had no contact for 4 months. Do this in dribbles as you two will need to re-build a friendship.
You don't scare away a new friend by getting too intense or deep, right? Same with W. She is a new friend that you've just met two weekends ago and starting from square 1. With that mind set, I think you'll do fine.
That's a great way to view it Wonka, you're right. Approaching her as a new friend as opposed to someone I need to bulldoze over with all of my new found knowledge is much healthier.
It also lets her continue to have her subjective reality, not force mine onto her, while giving her the continued space that she's still asking for.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
You are not trying to get inside her pants!!
Yea...um...(censored)...I'd be willing to chew my entire right arm off. Completely off. Without stopping. And smile all the way through the process...
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
And you are thinking pants and right arms? Hmmmmmm
If you can find a couple of slightly amusing breezy anecdotes that would be good. Your tummy rumbling at a serious bit, in the meditation. The yogis green and black mismatched socks. The spelling mistakes in the pamphlet. That sort of stuff.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 08/25/1511:20 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I am with V on giving W some generalities on the theme. The key here is NOT to make it all about the M or W. You would want to be judicious with how much you share with W given that you two have had no contact for 4 months. Do this in dribbles as you two will need to re-build a friendship.
You don't scare away a new friend by getting too intense or deep, right? Same with W. She is a new friend that you've just met two weekends ago and starting from square 1. With that mind set, I think you'll do fine.
This!
Quote:
You are not trying to get inside her pants!!
Yet.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
