Thank you so much everyone, for emphasizing the importance of GAL.
I read 25yearsmlc's post in the middle of the night during this trip while H was gone, it really hite me home. I realized I was trying to "pretend" to GAL, but did not really get over my fear and discomfort.
So here is what I did for the last two days.
*I joined working mom's meetup. I will go to a picnic this weekend with kids for the first meetup.
*I started working out at home. I tried gym's daycare before, but saw really horrible stuff (not certified people just sitting around while kids cried etc) at my local gym, so I quit going. Anyway, I worked out last night for the first time in a log time and it felt great! It really is a stress reliever. Yeaterday sucked big time since H left, but even for the 30min, I felt better. I ordered some more exercise DVD.
*I signed up for Spanish class for fall semester at local community college.
*I haven't been able to find a cooking class that fits my schedule and budget, so I'm planning to teach myself new dish every weekend from the collection of cooking books I have but not really opened since the kids. I used to love cooking but it became a chore now somehow.
Am I scared and uncomfortable? Yes. I'd rather curl up in my bed and do nothing. But I force myself to do stuff and who knows, maybe I can change. The lump in my chest and anxiety is there no matter what I do, sometimes it feels so difficult to just exit these days. I sometimes want to sleep and never wake up if there were no kids. But I still have to live for kids, then I should use the time wisely.
