Throwing in the Towel

[2Times2Many]

Well, kind of down the past two days.

Didn't communicate with H all weekend, but did send an email at my C urging to reinforce that I wanted him to move out, based on his immediate reaction when I told him that and his demeanor when he left. It wasn't nasty or anything, just a matter of fact reinforcement of "I meant what I said" letter. No reply.

Anyway, I did talk to him today and yesterday at the office when he called in but stuck to business. He did say really missed texting/talking to me over the weekend, but wanted to do what I asked, so didn't contact me.

I've had to text him a couple of times regarding business stuff the past two days (yes, for real - not making excuses - would have preferred not to) and when he replies he uses emoticons for flower bouquets or a kiss. The app we use has tons of that stuff. It's a little unnerving.

I am not the kind of person who likes to be mean to someone or do something that I know is hurting them. I feel awful ignoring gestures like that. It makes me feel like a selfish louse.

I keep trying to remind myself that he can be very manipulative, but it's so hard not to respond to a kind gesture other than being kind back.

I suppose I need to learn how to respond in a "lovingly, distant" manner without feeling like I'm being a doormat or fearing I'm being manipulated.

I know what I am doing (asking him to move out) is the right thing to do. I am absolutely miserable when he is here. Always on pins and needles, although I try not to let it show. That's probably part of the misery. I honestly don't know how some of the folks here do it with the WS in the house. Unfortunately, I am the type that avoids confrontation and will do just about anything to keep the peace. Probably why we fell apart. And why he needs to stay somewhere else when he is in town.

I was in such a good place before he started all this talk about wanting to "try." Was totally focused on building the best future I could for myself and having fun. (I even took a 2 day motorcycle riding class. At my age!) I want to get back there. Guess it will take time, just like last time. What a jerk he's been to me. Or maybe it's my own fault for letting him play me? I don't if it was part of his confusion or intentional. Arghh!

Anyway, once again, I don't quite know why I'm posting this. Sorry it was so long.