In my opinion (for what thats worth) is that you are replying to the action itself - taking your daughter to a basketball game. I agree that depending on the situation, that could be a good or bad action with respect to the goal of reconciling.
But what about the thought process behind it: "If I say no my daughter doesn't go and everyone thinks I'm a bad dad.". In my opinion, THIS is not good DB-ing regardless of the situation. I think you decide to take her to the game based on your relationship with your daughter, not because you want to prove how good (or not bad) of a dad you are.
Well, I'm very flattered you asked for my opinion. And, for whatever it's worth, I usually have one.
I'm really glad you brought the point around more clearly, b/c sometimes I don't make myself understood the way I meant it. Yes, I was referring to the action that was given in the example of taking the D to the game. If the LBH and W were close to reconciling and she asked him to take D to the game b/c she was busy with the other kids.....and the H refused (just for no particular reason), then it might hinder their reconciliation, depending on the W.
I also agree 100% about what's the thought behind the action. I may sound hard at times, whenever a man is saying he's doing something for his kids and not his W, but my main point to him is not to fool himself or make excuses for his true motivation behind his action. He should not do it b/c he's trying to prove anything to anyone (and a lot of newcomers do this, based on something the W has said about the past.) Another side of that thought is to not fall victim to the mentality of what WW (or anyone else) may think about what he does or doesn't do. I can tell you that for the most part, the WW is not going to think her LBH is anything special, regardless of what he does. Her own thought process is so twisted, bitter, self centered, and has such as sense of entitlement (believes H owes it to her). He won't be able to prove anything to her satisfaction, b/c she will have a accusatory response. He can't win with her, and having the attitude or doing something in order to stay on her good side.....is not healthy at all. The harder he tries to be the "good guy" (to keep W or in-laws off his back), the more she will use him for her own selfish reasons....and all the while, detesting him. IMO, I would say that goes for any part or time during the relationship, b/c it would not only be bad DBing, but unhealthy in so many ways. That particular mindset about not wanting to be the bad guy, is one of the missteps he took in his MR, but that's another post for another time. In short, he just needs to be the man and do what he wants to do, and believes is best... and not based on others seeing him as the bad or good guy.
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I ask because my kids are starting school again soon, and my W will have them many school nights. Im trying to get a gauge on where that line should fall and how to navigate tricky waters without become a "babysitter".
That's a really tough one, and shared by many people who are in the same boat. I am so suspicious of a WW, b/c I know a little bit about that kind of mindset and how they use the LBH for their own deceitful purposes.
Do you have primary custody of the kids? If she's living with the OM (or even if she's not), then my next question would be how do your children feel when they are around him? If they feel uncomfortable b/c of how he treats them or how he acts around them, I would probably let it tip the scale a bit. Maybe I just hear too much these days, or maybe b/c I have grandchildren living with my former DIL and her OM.
I assume she gives you reasons for trading out nights or asking you to take the kids somewhere when she can't. If you don't keep them, who would she ask to babysit? If it's someone you really know and trust, then I think you could decline if you wanted. OTOH, if you don't know who or where they may stay, you might want to reconsider. It's tough, b/c you may not know if she's being completely honest about not having anyone, or having to get some "new" person. That's scary.
The next thing I would probably consider are the ages of the kids and "who" is really asking you, WW or the kids. You may want to consider whatever circumstances surrounding that particular time she, or they, are asking to stay with you. For example, are they wanting to attend some school function that W can't/won't take them. They may have some other particular issue and want to be home with you. I'm sure you've already thought about all this, plus much more.
Lots of other things could be considered, but I think if you have not heard directly from one of the kids (without her coaching), and/or none of the above things could justify her reason for asking you to keep them.....then she's probably just looking for a babysitter. One thing to bear in mind (and I'm sure you have), is that she knows you better than anyone, and just how to work you.
Sorry, if I wasn't not much help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
