Lost & confused

[Clairee]

i decided when it felt right. When I felt we had stabilized things enough & when I felt I was in control of my words, emotions & actions. There is nothing I can really point to & say he did this or that's happened so now is the time. It was just a feeling I had & I went with it.

Sure I have thoughts like that. I got smacked in the head twice in a matter of months about 2 OW. It's natural to have those thoughts. What I don't do is let them control me or change who I have become. I don't let them become an insecurity that eats at me. When those thoughts happen, I talk to H about them. I am honest & open about what I'm feeling, what I was thinking & how it impacts me. I keep the focus on me & my feelings, not on him or his actions. That allows me to control my words & gives him the opportunity to validate & reassure. I was really open from the beginning of our mending that there were going to be times I needed reassurance. That it could be days, weeks, months or years ahead & I might still need his reassurances. He understands that & knows it's not necessarily because he's done something, but that what he did was traumatic & devastating to me, that his choices destroyed all trust I had for him & that restoring it will take a very long time of him being consistent & accepting that flashbacks will happen, feelings will come back & pain will emerge at times. He also understands it's not a reflection of where we are, but of where we were & how destructive it was.