I don't feel ready to be here in piecing, but I do feel ready to be ready.
I have seen some HUGE baby steps and I really would like to believe that I belong here. So, here I go. I'll recap.
H and I best friends for 8 years, together 6, married 9/21/02. Aug 03, drops bomb-not sure if he still loves me. I beg, plead, yell, get angry, Dec 03, H tells me he doesn't feel anything for me. No love, no hate, just indifferent. Talk about D, I ask him for more time. H says no C, he doesn't think it will work, but he is reasonable guy and stays for a while longer. He really does want the R back the way it was, we were so very happy "in the beginning", but he doesn't believe he can ever love me again.
Very luckily, I do some DB stuff before finding the DR book or this BB. Not perfect, but enough to put off the D or sep until I could find it. 2/13 I find DR and this board, and the rest is history in the making.
I'm not liking this little sideline in our history, but it's still history being made, so here is the DB story.
Began working out to lose 70 lbs. I have lost 20 since Aug 03, but am stepping up my efforts. Have 50 left. Began wearing makeup again and dressing nicer. H says it doesn't matter to him if I am wearing makeup or looking good, but he always told me I was the most beautiful woman he ever knew, so it must mean something to him.
Began making breakfast and trying to keep house clean. Quit a few jobs (volunteer stuff for dogs, mostly) and being less stressed. Getting back to being friends and fun to be with.
Up til DB, H wouldn't ML, touch, or kiss me. Said he felt like he was touching his sister and it was too weird. We'd hug, but it was always a brief one, like I was a hot coal.
Baby steps: 2/14 I began today, acting "as if" and being my usual happy self. H hugged me twice at a party and patted me on the butt. 2/15 Went bowling and had a great time (according to H). Lots of laughter 2/17 Hugged me for a long time in our pantry before leaving for work. 2/19 Began expressing an interest in showing me movies that he loved from his past. We shared a blanket on the couch. 2/21 Mentioned that he saw changes in me (physical and otherwise.) We ML. He is suspicious the changes won't last. 2/22 Bet me a game in PS2 for ML. He won and got it 3x. 2/23 Warm hug before leaving, and called me several times during the day to share various things. 2/24 Thought I was sleeping and came in to turn out the light and kiss me on the forehead. Had been texting me all day on my phone. 2/26 Invited me to go to a comedy show in April. (Wouldn't make future plans until today.) 2/27 Went out with some of his coworkers (w/o H) and he showed some interest. 2/28 Very hot night, ML several times, H told me many times he thought I looked good. 3/1 Lots of concern for me, I was sick. Tucked me in, made me tea, showed concerned look on his face. More jealousy shown. 3/2 Kissed me almost on the lips (next to) and invited me to play PS2 with him as we "both had a stressful day" 3/3 Told me he really appreciates me making him breakfast and the changes I am making. KISSED ME ON THE LIPS! 3/4 Told me he cares about me, and showed a lot of jealousy when I went out after work. Lots of hugs. Kissed me the second (and last to date) time on the lips. 3/5 Held me while talking to the dogs, being generally silly and happy
Things were moving very quickly, but I have backslid and am reviewing my journal to find out where. 3/8 Backslid a bit, PMA was low, was in a bad mood. H thought I was suspicious and not trusting him. We cleared it up, but it seems to have put a damper on the babysteps. We go to a movie and I backslide a bit more. I backslid a huge amount over the weekend as I was anxious about having a great weekend. (Every other week we do not have his kids and go out and a huge baby step occurs. I stressed about it and blew it.)
I have decided I need to be more confident. When I am anxious (not usually me, but this sitch has stressed me a bit) I backslide. I want to portray a confident, capable, sexy woman and am beginning today to work on that. H has not called or text'd me all day, which is unusual of late, but I am taking the tact that I am beginning anew today with my DB efforts.
Also, to this day, although we ML much more than we have in years, H will not touch me and rarely opens his eyes. Says he still feels weird about it.
