Wow. I think that would have been a good talk to hear. How did she describe the feelings related to STD testing? I am going this week... I've put it off for a long time and am even questioning whether it is needed after all this time & no symptoms? Not sure if that is logical or me trying to find an excuse not to do it. Ugh. But if relations were in January & it is now August...
Her sitch, she discovered the A, and her WAH did what we have read here over and over .. Lied/denied and took it even more under ground. They did MC and it never helped (With OW still there go figure) Then they did Retrouvaille ... about 2 months after the weekend during a post session she discovered the A was still strong, she dropped roped and filed for D. WAH woke up, So they did Retrouvaille AGAIN ... this time both all in, but prior to that she scheduled STD testing, as she put it...it was not a discussion. She shared she could not even look at WAH, as they sat there she hung her head, they called them in, the technician knew what they were being tested for and she felt judged, ashamed, betrayed, all those raw emotions... shared as these things flooded her she cried... WAH tried to console and ... well as you can imagine was lucky to have not lost an arm .... VERY raw and intense moment hearing her speak ... I was glued to her, managed to look over to my W and she was not looking my direction at all ... just one of those moments when you hear someone say precisely what you have felt, verbalize it for you ... it helped me know that I was not alone, was ok for me to hurt like I did.
Originally Posted By: hopeOK
I think you're doing an amazing job at all this. I understand the feelings of questioning whether or not she can be the spouse you want & if it is the marriage you want. I think all the things that come up create these feelings as well as the trust issue. I've been having periods of this too. Thinking- wouldn't it be easier to start over new with someone who wouldn't put me through this? Someone I don't have these triggers with? But in the end, it wouldn't be easier... just different. And then there are the kids to consider as well.
I hope you guys have a great vacation & that your w does get to go. Our vacation really did wonders for us in regards to connecting w/o the stressors of life and for giving us a lot of time together to enjoy one another.
The trust thing ... It was there but I smiled at myself just last night. W was in the living room all into her camera gear, laid out as she was packing up her stuff, organizing, checking to make sure its all in order, I went to shower. On the bed ... her phone. Knee-jerk reation was to grab it and look ... then I just kept walking, I realized ... if she was hiding something, she would not leave it out ... the fact she did leave it out like that ... its new, the past 3-4 years that thing has been attached to her, as of late ... its just a phone and she does not flinch if I pick it up and move it, hand it to her, whatever. I think it was RobX that posted something to the effect of "If I have to wast MY energy to ensure YOU are faithful/trust worthy ... this will not work out for me" ... that really stuck with me, why should I waste MY energy on something she did ... and honestly she very well could do it again, the A was her choice and out of my control just as a 2nd A would be ... no sense ME wasting myself concerned about that. I decided to trust .. its a decision ... if she would like to work on our M and be with me ... I want that to be a choice for her .. not out of obligation nor control from me.
The triggers, yeah they are there .. had one yesterday ... again .. those are things I am working on and really starting to realize they are items I have fed power to .. the only power they have over me is what I give them. Many things remind me of OM and the A ... I am steadily dealing with them, the big ones are all but gone ... the bed is a non-factor, as is the place and the couch ... now its just little things here and there... and I just need to bug stomp those out as they come.
