I am finding myself doing some spinning and I’m a little surprised by it.
I gave up “fighting” the actual divorce long ago (almost a year!). Yes, I still retain some hope that our family will somehow come together again, but for the most part I’ve been content to let STBX do his own thing and focus on me and my girls. I’ve enriched my own life, worked on myself and tried my best to come to terms with all of this.
I have to say – it was a lot easier to do when he was living an hour away and was basically out of sight and out of mind. Now that he’s moved back to town, I feel like I have regressed.
Yesterday we texted back and forth for a bit. It turns out that he would like his mom to stay with him on Wednesday night. We worked out the logistics of it. No problem. Again, I do think it’s a positive that he’s being more open with his parents and letting them be more a part of his life (although they seem to carefully avoid “sensitive topics”).
Then this morning I was driving D3 (almost D4) to school and she was babbling all kinds of stuff. Now, obviously she is three, and her stories and commentaries don’t necessarily follow a logical sequence. So I take everything with a grain of salt. But she said something about Daddy and OW getting a new house right in the middle of a story about feeding the ducks at the local pond.
And I felt like throwing up. You know – if you read back through my posts – clearly I have some fear and anxiety about OW becoming a permanent part of my life. And that brief preschooler comment just brought it all to bear. The possibility that this move to town is some sort of intermediary step towards them setting up their own establishment has definitely occurred to me. STBX had multiple affairs – he was pretty unhappy with his life, he made a change, and frankly he’s clearly been going through some sort of turmoil. I’ve made some degree of peace with that. But the thought that he merely found someone that he preferred over me and who is “better” in his eyes than me, is something that is pretty painful and disrupting. I find I’m still pretty raw on this topic.
