Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

This whole process is just so incredible. As I move through it, I am finding so much truth. I took the day off of work and am just really grinding on everything. It's all sort of making sense to me in a really healthy way.

I have had some profound realizations. Especially based on my conversation with my W yesterday.

So truth is what's on the table today.

Our minds are wired to prevent damage. To prevent suffering. If we imagine that our intuition is a signal, like a sine wave, it is generally resting flat, it's close to the truth. When our emotions affect it, our minds defenses respond in one of two ways.

First, there is denial. Denial(a lie) demotes the truth. It creates a dip in the wave. It prevents us from having to experience the pain of the truth.

Second, there is amplification. A heightening of the truth that takes it to it's worst possible outcome(a lie).

So I'm realizing that if I monitor this sine wave for changes up or down, I can pull it back to the middle.

The truth is that I was in denial of my problems in my M because of the great fear of loss. That denial prevented me from action.

Upon learning of the PA, I went to amplification. It caused me to act. If I had followed that course, I could have destroyed my life. Vanilla was right in that that's not the man that I am.

So now that I had the courage to confront my W who was reaching out to me, and allowed myself to learn the truth, it has settled everything down to the middle again.

There is healing in this. I feel like for the first time, I am moving in truth. Acceptance of the situation, good and bad. My denial of my W's feelings, and my amplification of her actions caused me to create a situation where I was in the right, she in the wrong, and that enabled me to cope.

But coping and healing are different things. To truely heal, I have to accept that the reality lies somewhere in the middle. It has revealed to me why I am so utterly affected by it all. I was codependent. I have always needed to be in a relationship. That need was not wholly for the healthy components that one brings, but that I had a huge need that had to be filled. A desire to be validated.

Because the passion was so strong for that, I would provoke a reaction to get her to give me that passionate response. This was manipulative, not in a premeditated way, but coming from an unhealthy place.

So now, coming full circle with DB, I'm finally actually working on me. I now am able to let go, not be too hard on myself, embrace reality for what it is, and move forward through it knowing that the pain cannot be avoided, and that anything I do to stop it only breeds lies, and in those lies we fall into darkness and out of the light.

The real truth is that I love my W. I always have. Love has many parts, and in my desire to selfishly hold on to the romantic part, I downplayed her pain, took on too much responsibility for our problems, and stopped loving her unconditionally. So now I have to die to my romance so that I can live in truth and stay connected to this woman I have loved from childhood. And that is what I expect of the truth. It's not total darkness away from her, nor passionate reconciliation, but something in the middle, painful, but centered and real.

It's personal revelation, so it won't make a ton of sense, but maybe there is something in there that strikes a cord. Bless you all for reading, that was a huge post.