Still Struggling with a plan!

[hopeOK]

Hi, my name is hopeOK & i am a glutton for punishment.

So for some strange reason I started thinking about fb & my h's page. As a refresher, he unfriended me after reading the hurtful things I said to my sister about this & he friend the OW. (He has since friended me & unfriended her.) So I thought... I wonder if he took down any of the ugly things he posted while we were not friends (things I knew were targeted at me, even though I was supposedly not seeing them... although I'm sure he knew i was.) SO I started to look back. Came to one that was a repost of a list of things that make someone happy. The last one was "hearing the smile in your voice". My thought that he wasn't meaning me... we were not talking & if we did happen to talk on the phone (rare) I was definitely not smiling & our conversations were strictly business. So I know he was meaning OW (Ok, mind reading but I'm pretty confident... he is not one to talk on the phone to lots of ppl ... not at all.) which means he was talking to her on the phone. Ok, I already know this. But it still puts me in a panic and feeling poorly. And I did it to myself by looking up his fb & scrolling through a lot to get to that point.

Another thing that is bugging me is that on his fb it says married since & then the date but it doesn't say married to me. I am pretty sure at some point it said we were married to each other. Maybe it came off when he unfriended me. Do I add him back onto mine that says, "married to" or do I just leave it? Even if it is all unintentional, it stings. Also it makes me think that he doesn't want others who happen on his page to see who he is married to... although there are pictures of us together w/ me tagged all over the place. So clearly this is irrational, right? It is like I feel a need to mark him as mine to prevent something from happening... but that would still depend on his choices... not some silly fb thing. Ugh. I can see I am being so silly but it has still caused my mood to plummet today.

Also thinking today... I really feel the need to one day ask him about what happened when we were on the outs. Why he started up talking to her (even as just friends) again, if he still communicates w/ her outside of work related stuff (this part of the conversation will definitely happen), how he communicated with her, what went on, etc. But do I really need to know all of that or is it just my attempt to feel better about all that & be reassured (even though the info may not be reassuring)? What do I REALLY need to know???

Things are going so well for us when we are together... but when we are not all these bad thoughts and feelings come up. Sometimes I can calm myself down (thinking about all the positives, thinking about how hard it would be to maintain an active affair while he is putting so much into our relationship, etc) but it gets the best of me sometimes.