Finally asking for help:

[Solo15]

Thanks Vanilla. Your words came to me right after I had a 3 hour long talk with my W.

It was really painful, but we worked through some really old wounds and I was able to seek forgiveness. She was really kind, and exposed how much she loved me and could not live without our friendship. It was genuine, and we were able to communicate about stuff and find some healing. It hurts so much to know it's over, that she can never feel that for me again. It's tough knowing how much you hurt someone you loved so much.

I don't really know how to move forward. She wants to continue our friendship, but I'm in love with her. Seeing and talking to her is just pain. But I guess I'll find a way through it.

I hear you about the 180, and I'm giving it some thought. Survival mode right now.