Always good to get to those core things that one must work on... regardless of your sitch, these are healthy to rid yourself of right ... for YOU ... do not worry about the effects they have on W, while what she has done may have put this all into motion...changing for her is not the way to go about this.
I think that's a great list and I highly encourage you to check on it regularly. But I cannot stress enough how important it is that those changes are for YOU, as Cali mentions.
I can tell you the other side of it. I cared very deeply about my family. I cared very deeply about my ex. But looking back I can honestly say that with ex, I was never controlling nor jealous. With the kids? I was a parent and at times a little harsher than I liked. I cared too much at times to the point of being...selfish. I didn't always have the mindset of letting them grow through things, but rather tried too much to protect and lead. Not always, but at times.
At bd, ex accused me of being too harsh with the kids. Mind you, that was after all the other accusations faded. During that time, she did accept her actions...for a while. Then suddenly, she was painting herself as the victim. I recall she went through "personalities" trying to find one that fit and along with that, she tried many accusations. When one didn't fit, she "erased" that and tried another one until she left. Then the anger returned, except through her husband (OM) and her. Interesting to say the least.
What I'm getting at is this. During this process I had to challenge everything about me. Everything that wasn't what I wanted, dropped to the ground. I became much calmer without ex around. I became less controlling of the kids and more supportive. I wasn't bad prior, but there was plenty of room for improvement from my view. In the end, I made changes for ME. Not for anyone else. At first they were about ex. But that didn't last long. I quickly realized that wasn't the path I wanted to be on and come hell or high water, I wasn't about to let her take my identity beyond that of wusband.
Shift the focus from "I do this because of her" to "I make these changes for ME" sooner than later. You are right that she is going to do what she is going to do regardless or you actions. It's not like fishing or building a house.
The only thing you really need to do where it concerns W is to try and leave the door open for her should she decide to return. And try to encourage the relationship between her and the kids as best you can. And never, ever say a disparaging thing about their mother where the kids can hear it. They'll figure it out on their own (likely already have) and are responsible for their thoughts about it. And it's never encouraging to have somebody you trust talk bad about your moms. Most people would happily throat punch you if you talked about their moms like that. Treat your kids with the same respect
Other than that, you are free to focus on you and just you. Buckle up - it's quite a ride.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
