Sounds like your admitted control issue springing up. Check that impulse, as it will not go over well.
She is actually right on the mixed messages to the kids right now. At the outset it is best to maintain firm boundaries that you can choose to relax in time, but mom & the kids coming back even if it is just for a night, will be emotionally confusing and difficult for the kids.
Just let you and the kids focus on each other and enjoy your time with them. Let her get some time to do some things on her own.
Yes, it is better to let her struggle with being away from the kids. If this is a first time, I imagine some of her unhappiness comes from that overload. She is long overdue to have some time apart for herself. Second, she is choosing a path that will mean part of the time she will not have her kids. You need to let her experience that reality for herself. She may actually like it (at least at first) if she has felt trapped and unable to do things just for herself, but she will also likely feel some regret & remorse. In time the novelty of getting so much time to herself will wear off, but the regret and remorse will remain (esp. as she faces more time away from kids than just a single night). Be aware that if she does want to reconcile, giving her time for herself is going to be one of the things you will have to work on.
There will be time after things have settled a bit for casual, no-stakes invitations for family events. Just let her have her time.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
10 days ago I told you to get off the roller coaster and try to avoid taking any action. I've just caught up on your sitch and you continue to be all over the map. I recommend setting a goal of going 10 days without doing much.
Imagine for a moment how you'd feel if you were driving a bit tipsy and hit someone. Wouldn't you just be stunned for a moment? Overwhelmed with grief and remorse? Maybe just a little humbled, quietly apologetic, with no expectations that you wouldn't serve a sentence?
Maybe look at your M the same way. You hurt the person you were entrusted to care for to the point she has had to commit relationship suicide to be away from you. Can't you find some humility, some quiet regret? Instead you seem to get angry she can't forgive you. That just shows you haven't really understood the depths of how you hurt her, if you did you'd be STFU right now and leaving her alone. You might even be hesitant to want to get back with her because you'd be afraid of hurting her further, and you'd love her enough not to want that to happen. How can you even consider writing an apology letter when you're not sorry and are actually outraged that she's defended herself from you?
Tough waters for sure, but I think you need to stop charging around, look in the mirror, and try not to cause any more damage for a while. You don't do this because of what you think it will 'get you'. You do this because you don't want to cause more pain to others. See if you can get there.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
For about a month or so I have been on this BB and have gone through so many stories and relating to the many heartaches.
I'm grateful that so many have taken the time to respond and also been a Cheerleader to my cause.
*** I have doing what I can to the best of my abilities and have failed badly. I am disheartened and ready to give up the good fight and move on. I don't want to because of my young boys, but my wife is just staying her course and is done and I have to accept it. ***
Most of these things she is saying about me to me I don't think are true. I have accepted my role in the demise of the family, but have almost lost all hope that we will become a family again.
I don't know what to do and I'm tired of fighting a fight that seems impossible to overcome.
I have cut back on speaking to her. I have kids and can't avoid it. She says I'm mean, leave her alone. I don't even want to talk about us and I tell her so. I say I am moving forward. Crazy thing is she wants respect and she says we are done...ok...we are done. She says I did this my fault. I accept my responsibility in this.
I am doing what's right by being an involved Dad and it's like she and her mom want to screw me up over and side ways like bitter people.
