I just want to say that I am so thankful for this forum. Am I still sad and heartbroken that this is how my R with my H will end? Sure. I have shed many tears this past week for sorrow, regret, and remorse for my part in my M. While some of that is sadness for my M, there is also much sadness for my H. I am sad that he does not have the power or ability at the moment to look within, that he views marriage as so disposable, that he turned to an A, and for the future when inevitably he will look back with shame, guilt,and regret. Unless of course he really is a narcissist. I wish I was joking when I say this. I have read a number of articles on divorcing an narcissist and it is describing my H to a T. I do not recognize this man at all. He is taking zero responsibility and has no empathy or compassion in his heart. His only interest right now is H. He is also acting with zero character, hate, and venom. My stomach turns in knots when I even think about his behavior. He seems out to "win" whatever that can be in this situation and at whatever cost.
However, at the same time, I know I am in a much better place then if I would have just given up at BD. I will say to those still fighting for your M who are wondering when and if to give up, that you will know with complete clarity when it is time to walk away. Until then, keep DBing for you and you will be in a much better place if that time comes. I am by no way done DBing, but I am looking forward to truly being able to focus 100% on me and I look forward to what lies ahead in the future.
Last edited by BT13; 08/24/1511:10 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
I will say, though, that my H did some things that were absolutely horrible while we were 'separated' (in his imagination). He regrets that today and has said he would not do it over. Some of it he even hasn't really admitted, although I have read the e-mail exchange with his L, so there's no doubt what was said and attempted. And yes, it makes me wonder if he could flip into a person with absolutely no allegiance to me or our M again, without me knowing.
When it comes to recording - I'm sure what you said is not so bad in the big picture. Everyone makes mistakes and gets emotional at times. Everything will pale in comparison to what he has done with his A. He is probably feeling very threatened by the fact that you know who the OW is and that they are at risk professionally.
I hope you can stay calm during any future interaction, you will probably not be able to have absolutely everything go via a L.
Again, so sorry that it has taken this turn.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I should add that I am also sad that H spent so many years in a marriage he was so unhappy in because I neglected some very core needs. I really do feel for him in that regard and I do know that is where some of his actions and words are coming from. I known I still have a ton of work to get to the BT2.0 that I will be happy with and that can be healthy in my next R.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Painter, thanks for sticking with me! How long was your H's affair before it ended? At any point after you found out and exposed was he totally 100% unremorseful for it or did he show at least some compassion and remorse right away?
I guess I think things have crossed a line with my H where I honestly don't think I could get over this or trust that the he would not turn again. I know my sitch is not special or unique to others on here who went through the same or even worse and they still reconciled. Maybe I have just gone into protection mode. Maybe filing is what I need to detach the rest of the way. I mean, obviously we are still at least 3 months away from a final D, so never say never. This is all going to start getting very real for H and he may freak out, especially if the A starts to fizzle. I don't think he has processed much emotionally over the last 5 months, so I could see panic ensuing if it all starts to crumble at once. I honestly don't know. Just going to take it one day at a time.
I am not too worried about what I said. I don't think it was too over the top. I wish I would have walked away at one point, but I am not perfect. My L made me feel better after telling me it paled in comparison to some other stuff he has heard. I do understand I will still have to communicate, but I will try my hardest to control and think of it as a business deal. Should have portion done and filed by Wednesday.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
H had an online friendship with OW (old flame from many years ago) for several years without me really knowing about, although he mentioned it when she first contacted him, then it turned into an EA sometime in late 2013, he says - then progressed to a PA last fall. She doesn't live here so he had to travel to see her. I was away for the 4 months the PA was active.
He went back and forth between remorse and defensiveness for a while. He wanted to very quickly stop dealing with it, and he said he broke it off just before I got back.
H is not a great communicator when it comes to emotions. That's probably also why he has not had his needs met for so long, he has not expressed them - maybe he wasn't even aware of them. I've asked him so many times what he feels or wants or thinks - he's always answered me 'I don't know' or 'I don't care'. Eventually, I stopped asking, of course.
I don't know if it's too late for us, it may be. I can tell he carries enormous resentment against me, it bubbles up every now and then. He does not take much responsibility for what happened, and he is not very interested in talking about it or self-exploring. Which fits with everything that's happened so far... Did you ever read 'How to get through to the man you love'? I'm thinking about getting it.
It sounds like the process where you are is very fast! I'm sure he will regret this. I just wonder if pride is going to keep him from admitting that.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Ok, so got ball rolling on D today. Surprisingly, I was not nearly as emotional as I was anticipating. Turns out that due to court date availability, the 'cooling off' period will really be 6 or 7 months, not the official 3 months. In DB land that is a very long time, which is good. Lots of time to focus on me. I mean I have only been at this around 4.5 months and I already feel so much different. I see a brand new BT by March!!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
H had an online friendship with OW (old flame from many years ago) for several years without me really knowing about, although he mentioned it when she first contacted him, then it turned into an EA sometime in late 2013, he says - then progressed to a PA last fall. She doesn't live here so he had to travel to see her. I was away for the 4 months the PA was active.
He went back and forth between remorse and defensiveness for a while. He wanted to very quickly stop dealing with it, and he said he broke it off just before I got back.
Well, at least you got some remorse. However, it could be because A was over by the time you found out. Mine is still in a foggy mess.
H is not a great communicator when it comes to emotions. That's probably also why he has not had his needs met for so long, he has not expressed them - maybe he wasn't even aware of them. I've asked him so many times what he feels or wants or thinks - he's always answered me 'I don't know' or 'I don't care'. Eventually, I stopped asking, of course.
I don't know if it's too late for us, it may be. I can tell he carries enormous resentment against me, it bubbles up every now and then. He does not take much responsibility for what happened, and he is not very interested in talking about it or self-exploring. Which fits with everything that's happened so far... Did you ever read 'How to get through to the man you love'? I'm thinking about getting it.
I imagine it is a long process for piecing. I can't even imagine that after dealing with the current process. I am or was willing to put in the time. Keep working on you though and you will be stronger an OK either way!!
I have not heard of that book. I am making Amazon rich with all of my book purchases from this. I will check it out.
It sounds like the process where you are is very fast! I'm sure he will regret this. I just wonder if pride is going to keep him from admitting that.
Yes, I wonder about pride too. Until he ends A, that is nowhere in sight anyway. We will see if the D process causes some effect. He really has no idea what he is getting into with D. He is just going straight in all based on emotion. I can see this in his behavior right now.
Last edited by BT13; 08/25/1509:39 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
H had an online friendship with OW (old flame from many years ago) for several years without me really knowing about, although he mentioned it when she first contacted him, then it turned into an EA sometime in late 2013, he says - then progressed to a PA last fall. She doesn't live here so he had to travel to see her. I was away for the 4 months the PA was active.
He went back and forth between remorse and defensiveness for a while. He wanted to very quickly stop dealing with it, and he said he broke it off just before I got back.
H is not a great communicator when it comes to emotions. That's probably also why he has not had his needs met for so long, he has not expressed them - maybe he wasn't even aware of them. I've asked him so many times what he feels or wants or thinks - he's always answered me 'I don't know' or 'I don't care'. Eventually, I stopped asking, of course.
I don't know if it's too late for us, it may be. I can tell he carries enormous resentment against me, it bubbles up every now and then. He does not take much responsibility for what happened, and he is not very interested in talking about it or self-exploring. Which fits with everything that's happened so far... Did you ever read 'How to get through to the man you love'? I'm thinking about getting it.
It sounds like the process where you are is very fast! I'm sure he will regret this. I just wonder if pride is going to keep him from admitting that.
Hello Painter,
I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.
Getting Through to the Man You Love is an extremely helpful book. It is an amazing guide on effective communication written in Michele's easy to read style. Her action oriented methods are totally in sync with the DBing you are doing.
Another title to consider from Michele is Change Your Life and Everyone In It. As you can imagine, it is a no nonsense program for discovering and implementing practical solutions to seemingly insurmountable problems.
