My lizard and her tunnel ...

[late30s]

It occurs to me that I would also like to chronicle what I am doing to remove the behaviors I am unhappy with.

Jealousy / Controlling behavior: I reached a point some time ago where I accepted that I can't control Ws behavior, or anyone else's. One part that helped me a lot was considering the following. If W makes plans to go out for an evening without me, I could react in a number of ways. If I panic and allow jealousy to take control of me, I am showing W that I do not trust her or her judgement. By acting in this way, I push W further away. If instead I accept that W will do what W will do, that it is beyond my ability to control and simply wish her a good time. I show an element of trust. I build on our foundation. W doesn't feel like she has to hide as much or be scolded / lectured for her behavior (Not my place to do). Makes for a lot less stress for me and for her. She is able to enjoy herself. I believe it is a love builder and not a love buster. I have adopted this approach to the current situation, more for my own sanity than anything else. Allowing myself to be jealous was serving no positive purpose and only served to increase my stress levels. W still did what W wanted to do.

Being overly critical: This is something I have been exposed to my entire life. People in my family have been very critical of every action I have ever done and I find that I have been critical as well. When I first started working on this, I had to stop and ask myself, "How do I become less critical?" This one has been very hard. What has worked for me in some regard is to think carefully before I speak. Means an awkward silence sometimes, but I prefer that to my being critical. I think about the point I want to make and think if there is some way to make my point without being critical. If there is great, if I can't think of one I ask if I can answer the question later or I simply say nothing. Accepting that I don't need to have a say on every subject has helped in this as well. This one continues to be a work in progress.

Making comments in anger: I am improving here. Being able to accept awkward silences while I ponder a reply has helped quite a bit. Only really get angry with W at this point and that is happening less and less. This continues to be a work in progress as well.