TY Ginger ... yeah it is not easy nor for the faint of heart I think
So sitting here ... just wanted to share a couple things that happened... .Update if you will.
Friday night .... I think it was uR who said something about 'blowing off steam' for us both ... it does feel that way, like things we both have going on build up, might have little to do with the other person but teapot on the stove starts to whistle all on its own. I got home, W was already there .. RARE... I forgot she had a dental appt, as we arrived she had the dog and was just headed out for a walk. Invited us to join. I walked along, still miffed at 2 things she had said during the spew. She was all smiles and acting as if nothing happened ... this irked me more as in the old M, I might accept this but now, lesson learned .. sweeping things under just builds resentment. She asked what was wrong, I told her we could talk about it later (not in front of S). Once back in the house, we talk. I simply and calmly told her how I felt, more about what she said and how I felt about it. She at first did as she always does, ultra defensive and went on the attack, I STFU, she kept on, again ... STFU ... then something seriously strange happened, I just STFU and she continued to talk, share, then started crying , more sharing, more tears .. Me .. STFU .. not a word, I am talking at least 20 minutes ... she just started pouring out things as I looked at her, not. saying. a. single. word. it was almost awkward but I kept zipped like watching a bottle get knocked over, the impulse is to do something, but there is something about letting it all spill out and empty itself. If you are new ... even if you are in the middle, end whatever, STFU, LISTEN ... W shared things that were in her 'boxes' .. talking deep fears. She confessed she HATES the fact on Friday nights I go back to my place, that A book was a 'trigger', fears about me throwing in the towel, comments on how I deserve so much more than 'this' and how she can not take it back, fears she destroyed something women dream them could have. She apologized relentlessly not just for things recently said .. old stuff. Again .. I STFU. Then the time came I validated a bit, she asked me where I was, what I thought and to a point I shared a couple things, nothing huge, but some issues I have, concerns about 'repeating mistakes' from M1.0 ( I even called it that and laughed to myself as I had to explain it) It was just a good talk. We shared. I took the dog out before I had to go to work, did my gig and came 'home' this time ... as in the past S was in the bed with her and I slept in his bed so I did not wake them. I typically get in about 2-3a.m. ... she woke and came into the room, we talked a bit .. hugged, and fell asleep. (She thanked me that night and again in the morning for coming 'home')
So ... Saturday woke early to go to the Post Session. Seemed all the sharing the day before felt like a clean slate, no pressure or angst. We arrive to the Session, the topic ... Intimacy/ Sexual Relationship. The couple sharing was the same couple from the weekend, Suffered from the H having a 15 month A with OW ... same story, refused to give OW up, W then dropped rope and pressed for D .. he woke up. The W told her story ... could have very well been me up there, so similar. Right down to her sharing her feelings of how she felt getting tested for STD's, in a way verbalizing some pain I have been feeling and could not put words to. Was a seriously intense session. How she came to terms with the A, all the hurt, the triggers after ... along with the H expressing all he then had to do for the h3ll he put her through, all the work it takes, and how backslides happen and what one can do. After on the drive home W asked as usual, if I got much out of it, if so what, then I asked the same. I told her I did in fact get alot out of this one, did not really open up and share just asked her the same .... she opened up and said it was very eye-opening. We openly talked, much like Friday about intimacy and ... dare I say it .. sex. I confessed ... as much as I am a man and have needs, I am not ready. I know I am not ... I still have the Ghost of OM ... something the woman from the Session explained aloud PERFECTLY .... which made me feel at least I was not nuts ... but W and I did share things, things we want/need things that increase intimacy along with 'turn offs'. I then pointed out .. in 25 years we have NEVER had a conversation about OUR sex life, not open like that ... and what a shame it took all this, but on the same token I was happy to have this conversation with her. Sunday ... low key ..I cooked an amazing breakfast for the family..church, shopping, and conversations focused on our family vacation...180 of mine .. Last Vaca was 9 years ago and now I plan on once a year.
