Rather than quote every single person who has offered their words, just thought I would try to 'lay it out there', the best I can explain it... you all hit a nail on the head and there are a few nails that are up there showing and not flush, things I have been working on pounding out.
This 'piecing' business is tough, seems just as you get somewhat of a handle on how to DB this or that, really finding yourself, gaining what I referred to as 'center', even keel , not listing to the left or the right but remaining balanced... you really get a groove going, I was PMA, had my GALs set and they kept me busy, working on myself emotionally, physically, spiritually ... I was still doing this even after W said she wanted to work on the M because at that time nothing changed. Slowly I started seeing she really did want to work on the M, not by her words but by her actions. With this, all those hurts and pains that I disregarded because... well .. I was DBing my arse off ... like I explained I boxed them up and put them in storage, while going through and working things out with my W its like I was carefully pulling these boxes off the shelf and dealing with them slowly, one at a time, and all the sudden the ladder gave way, I fell and all of these things crashed down on me. I did not feel 'balanced' any more, not that I went back to Cali 1.0, to go full nerd, was like I needed to Ctrl-Alt-Delete but scared to as that new Operating system has yet to be tested with a full reboot ... would Cali 1.0 boot up, Cali 2.0 .. or would the thing fire off at all?
That's where I was at for a few weeks.. especially last week, trying to sort through ALL the things we go through, its easier when you can just run off and keep yourself busy, but I was not really looking at these things for what they were ... anchors attached to my legs not allowing me to walk. With that I was just not myself, not behind those walls I put up for protection .... there is a sense of that, that "She will never hurt me like that again ... I will not allow myself to feel that pain" ... all common, just like I had to accept the MLC and the A did in fact happen, I do not have to like it, just accept it ... same goes with the strange feelings that were creeping in and taking control of me, I do not have to like them, but accepting them for what they are, why they are there, was something I came to grips with this weekend.
So many issues, some old issues with our M, and the new ones the crisis brought. Along with that ... W too was dealing with her own mess of boxes as I was with mine. We talked very openly a couple times over the weekend ... not easy talks mind you, talking some serious sensitive underbelly stuff. What happened after all this for me ... was realizing I have come so far from where I was, and I continue to grow regardless of what is going on, the past weeks were some steps back that I had to do to strip that onion down a few layers and get to some root things I just did not deal with, things I could not deal with at the time I boxed em up.
Thank you all so much for your words, each of you hit something that I have been aware of, and am in agreement ... slowly I continue to grow, one thing at a time ... its easy to get buried in all this when it all comes flooding back at you, but some how I am still upright in the kayak and find myself currently in calmer waters.
