IMHO A fulfilling marriage to put in words is complicated and varies depending on the viewpoint of each individual but it has one common denominator, the parties are happy with it.
In my situation neither of us are.
I also recognize I overstressed the physical part and may have thrown you off (I am still learning about myself so please have patience). I consider the correct word to be affection in all its forms, be it actions, words or any other whereby you let them know you want them near you. Even problem sharing as strange as it may sound I would include because if you find your W opening her heart about her problems to someone else and not share them with you I find that a rejection and lack of trust. By sharing these problems with you they in a way are letting you know how they feel even if you cant do anything but listen. To me this creates a bond and an indirect message that im in there. There is a connection, much in the same way of a physical action. I do not know if you understand me. I understand. If you have read the 5LL, then I think you can understand that there are five ways that people can give and receive affection. My point was that while you feel that she isnt showing her affection through physical touch, she may be trying to express it in other ways. Ultimately, I think you should try to reinforce positive behaviors rather than punish negative ones. I dont know, but it sounds like there are other ways your W is trying or has tried to do things for/with you - focus and reinforce these. Theres a ton of examples in DR.
Today we had a bust following a message she received. After the initial outburst a few hours later of really being tired I realized a few things.
1) What was done in the past was done. I cant throw a stone neither. The truth is now what happened after everything blew and there were changes only dynamited by my reactions on handling the EA and having to adjust to a severe knock in trust and confidence. EAs are serious business. You cant just sweep something like that under the rug. But yes, whats done is done. Time to move forward.
2) She does not fall into the category of a WAW or WW and is not neglecting the house, our S or not taking care of me as I read in some posts. I wouldnt worry about categorizing. The point of DB is to improve your marriage. WHether she has walked away or is planning to walk away doesnt make a ton of difference as to the process.
3) She will go out with me, she spends more time at home and wants to be less surrounded by people because she is sad or depressed. try not to mindread. SHe may spend more time at home for any number of reasons. I wouldnt try to diagnose her as depressed.
4) She never adjusted/accepted losing her job and went from being someone in her mind to another that is totally dependant on others and got into a depression that led to where we are now. Again, all mind reading. You didnt break her so you cant fix her. Its not your responsibility that she make a smooth transition. Of course, as her spouse, you should be supportive and helpful.
5) I was blind and with no communication did not realize how deeply hurt she was and is as well as her plans. Now I know and can act. Understanding pain is important. Show empathy. Validate.
6) The constant arguments though opening a crack to look inside what she is feeling also take a heavy toll on our R. This must stop. Agreed. And dont believe everything you hear anyway. Just because she says one thing doesnt make it true. But circular arguments help nobody.
7) I told her she seems to have a profound depression but should not handle it alone. She has a S, H & Family that love her and always have and always will be there but she needs to reach out to ask for help. Nope. This is you trying to show her that shes not capable of handling herself. You arent a doctor, why are you telling her that SHE is depressed? And why would you say that you will always love her? Sounds like you are trying to control her too much here.
8) Self pity was never her style and hiding behind activities to keep the mind occupied is fine if it's temporary but after 2.5 years she has to make choices no matter how hard they are. Either accept her situation or find alternatives and discuss them....with me as well Again, this is extremely controlling. What EXACTLY do you want her to do? She has found something that makes her happy, and youre telling her it isnt OK. This sounds like an ultimatum that is going to drive her to divorcing you.
9) There are alternatives and good ones, it just means she has to come out of her comfort zone but we are here to stand by her. As MWD said.... more of the same doesn't work, its time for a change. Her current situation each days makes it a little more overwhelming and seem hopeless. Time for that change. Yes. It is time for a change. But it is time for YOU to change. NOWHERE in DR does it say that you should tell your spouse that THEY need to change. The whole POINT of DR is that it takes One to Tango. And the READER is that one. Dont tell her that she has to change!
10) Some of the strategies (expression) I opted for worked for me to make me a different person (I shall not say better) and things in my life have changed positively. I believe if she applies changes she will see the benefit too. See #9
11) I cannot abandon her and not only because of her employment situation or she would have no where to go. That would be pity and not love. Instead because I made a commitment to honour love and protect. I have flailed with 1st, never stopped with the 2nd but sure as hell will not neglect the third. As my W and all that that means she needs my protection now more than ever. From herself. And I plan to step up. She wouldnt do that to me. It is admirable to stand by your commitment. I think it's Painter that has a quote in her signature that I LOVE. But at the same time, you are selling her short. She is a GROWN woman. She doesnt and shouldnt NEED you. And I think it's a bit presumptuous of you to think that she does.
12) She wanted space and that I wasnt giving it to her. I reminded her that the last time I gave her almost a year of space we ended up how we ended up. I will step back with some conditions but she should use it wisely. We are sinking and another hit to the waterline will seal our fate. This all sounds incredibly controlling. "Im going to give you space...but only every other Wednesday, if you check in with me first."
I made these points known to her more or less as written and told her that we cannot guarantee how our R will end but if we are to suffer or feel pain then lets feel it whilst creating something so it lessens instead of whilst destroying something so it gets worse.
I hope that by reading these points whenever I have doubts I can stop myself from being a d**k.
As for the goals, I only have one at the moment. we have a trip within a few weeks that I would like her to come with me.
As for the other goals I really have to think which small realistic ones to set. I will have to think on that but her coming with me would be a positive step.
I wonder what you think Azzork.
My thoughts are above in blue. My thoughts are that you want to put her into a box and only let her operate in the confines of that box. It sounds like you believe that if she is only permitted to think or do certain things in certain ways, that the end result will be that she loves you in the way that you accept. I think you are extremely hurt by the past and dont want it to go that way again.
Ultimately, I think you are setting yourself up for failure. You can (and maybe should) set boundaries around yourself, but almost all of the points you listed are you trying to set boundaries around HER and it just doesnt work that way. Read what you wrote again and before each point remind yourself that YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER. Now, how do they sound?
I hope someone else comes on and can help too. These are my thoughts though.
