IMHO A fulfilling marriage to put in words is complicated and varies depending on the viewpoint of each individual but it has one common denominator, the parties are happy with it.
In my situation neither of us are.
I also recognize I overstressed the physical part and may have thrown you off (I am still learning about myself so please have patience). I consider the correct word to be affection in all its forms, be it actions, words or any other whereby you let them know you want them near you. Even problem sharing as strange as it may sound I would include because if you find your W opening her heart about her problems to someone else and not share them with you I find that a rejection and lack of trust. By sharing these problems with you they in a way are letting you know how they feel even if you cant do anything but listen. To me this creates a bond and an indirect message that im in there. There is a connection, much in the same way of a physical action. I do not know if you understand me.
Today we had a bust following a message she received. After the initial outburst a few hours later of really being tired I realized a few things.
1) What was done in the past was done. I cant throw a stone neither. The truth is now what happened after everything blew and there were changes only dynamited by my reactions on handling the EA and having to adjust to a severe knock in trust and confidence.
2) She does not fall into the category of a WAW or WW and is not neglecting the house, our S or not taking care of me as I read in some posts.
3) She will go out with me, she spends more time at home and wants to be less surrounded by people because she is sad or depressed.
4) She never adjusted/accepted losing her job and went from being someone in her mind to another that is totally dependant on others and got into a depression that led to where we are now.
5) I was blind and with no communication did not realize how deeply hurt she was and is as well as her plans. Now I know and can act.
6) The constant arguments though opening a crack to look inside what she is feeling also take a heavy toll on our R. This must stop.
7) I told her she seems to have a profound depression but should not handle it alone. She has a S, H & Family that love her and always have and always will be there but she needs to reach out to ask for help.
8) Self pity was never her style and hiding behind activities to keep the mind occupied is fine if it's temporary but after 2.5 years she has to make choices no matter how hard they are. Either accept her situation or find alternatives and discuss them....with me as well
9) There are alternatives and good ones, it just means she has to come out of her comfort zone but we are here to stand by her. As MWD said.... more of the same doesn't work, its time for a change. Her current situation each days makes it a little more overwhelming and seem hopeless. Time for that change.
10) Some of the strategies (expression) I opted for worked for me to make me a different person (I shall not say better) and things in my life have changed positively. I believe if she applies changes she will see the benefit too.
11) I cannot abandon her and not only because of her employment situation or she would have no where to go. That would be pity and not love. Instead because I made a commitment to honour love and protect. I have flailed with 1st, never stopped with the 2nd but sure as hell will not neglect the third. As my W and all that that means she needs my protection now more than ever. From herself. And I plan to step up. She wouldnt do that to me.
12) She wanted space and that I wasnt giving it to her. I reminded her that the last time I gave her almost a year of space we ended up how we ended up. I will step back with some conditions but she should use it wisely. We are sinking and another hit to the waterline will seal our fate.
I made these points known to her more or less as written and told her that we cannot guarantee how our R will end but if we are to suffer or feel pain then lets feel it whilst creating something so it lessens instead of whilst destroying something so it gets worse.
I hope that by reading these points whenever I have doubts I can stop myself from being a d**k.
As for the goals, I only have one at the moment. we have a trip within a few weeks that I would like her to come with me.
As for the other goals I really have to think which small realistic ones to set. I will have to think on that but her coming with me would be a positive step.
