What I would do - fix the car; leave the trampoline alone - are a lot less important than WHY I would do those things.
I never said he shouldn't fix the car, either. Both of us are trying to get the two of you to see the motivation behind the action. If you do things out of a need to appease and "win" her back, then you can say it's for the kids or say you don't care what she thinks........but you won't be honest with yourself, and therefore won't be able to really grow and detach.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I fixed the car because I had to. It was the right thing to do regardless of the w. Again I understand the point but things are not always so cut and dry. My family is In a crisis and I'm going to do what I need to do as the man of this family.
I know my wife has fired me but that does not relieve me of my duties. I have to support my kids and make sure that they have what they need. This is something I will not apologize for. Yes my w has fired me but I will not let my children go without what they need because of her decision.
I appreciate this site and I love it. It has brought me through some hard times. My kids come before anything. It is my duty as a father to make sure that they are ok.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the w.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
I fixed the car because I had to. It was the right thing to do regardless of the w. Again I understand the point but things are not always so cut and dry. My family is In a crisis and I'm going to do what I need to do as the man of this family.
I know my wife has fired me but that does not relieve me of my duties. I have to support my kids and make sure that they have what they need. This is something I will not apologize for. Yes my w has fired me but I will not let my children go without what they need because of her decision.
I appreciate this site and I love it. It has brought me through some hard times. My kids come before anything. It is my duty as a father to make sure that they are ok.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the w.
I think you've got the right attitude and that was the point everyone was trying to make. You fix the car because it's the right and safe thing to do for your kids. Don't worry about how W feels about it. If she likes and appreciates it, great. If not, oh well. You do what you need to do and keep moving. Pay W no more attention than you would a nosy neighbor.
Me 47 W 42 T 24 yrs M 18 yrs W living with OM BD1: 3/7/2015 (A with OM#1) BD2: 4/11/2015 (A with OM#2, W moves out) WW filed for D, papers received 9/18/2015. Meeting to determine child custody 9/29/2015.
I fixed the car because I had to. It was the right thing to do regardless of the w. Again I understand the point but things are not always so cut and dry. My family is In a crisis and I'm going to do what I need to do as the man of this family.
I know my wife has fired me but that does not relieve me of my duties. I have to support my kids and make sure that they have what they need. This is something I will not apologize for. Yes my w has fired me but I will not let my children go without what they need because of her decision.
I appreciate this site and I love it. It has brought me through some hard times. My kids come before anything. It is my duty as a father to make sure that they are ok.
This has absolutely nothing to do with the w.
I'm sorry if I offended. In general, I agree that fixing the car was the right move. I certainly understand that line between "doing my wife a favor" and "ensuring my kids are ok" is often extremely blurry and I struggle with it as well.
The original point was about choices and the factors we use to make them. Without reading back through your whole situation, I picked something on the tip of my memory. Maybe the one duke mentioned was a better example as the children's well-being is certainly not impacted by the presence of a trampoline. Ultimately, it comes down to choices, and the factors we consider when making them.
"Doing the right thing" is not necessarily the right attitude if your goal is "I want to save my marriage." So I'd caution the use of that as a barometer in the future.
I think this brings up a really good point overall and again, I can see both sides of the situation. If we do things for the well being of our kids but the WAW benefits are we not to do them? For example if my WAW asked me to watch our little one so she could go out on a date I would tell her to go ____ herself. If on a night I didn't have the kids but my wife asked me to drive my daughter to a basketball game because she was busy with another daughter. If I say no my daughter doesn't go and everyone thinks I'm a bad dad. If I say yes is that bad DB-ing?
Last edited by duke; 08/24/1501:24 AM.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
Im not offended. And I appreciate the insight. Also, I know the original post about repair her car wasn't clear. I was a bit angry at the time.
I don't want to do her any favors but in the case that my kids are involved I have no choice. Even though my W has fired me as her husband In my mind I still have to take care of the family. her included. This does not mean I cater to her but it does mean that I have to continue to take care of the bills and our kids. I want so bad to give her bills to her and say. These are your problems now. I know that she cant pay these bills and that if they don't get paid it effects me as well. I am in the middle of a refinance of our house.
Yes, I think she wants the best of both worlds. I am only providing the bare minimum of support for her. She is not herself and she is in the "fog". She is not making good decisions. I will not intervene in any of her bad choices that only effect her. But if it effects me and the kids I have to intervene.
I don't know how well this fits with DB so let me know if I need to make any corrections.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
I don't want to do her any favors but in the case that my kids are involved I have no choice.
If you think you had no choice, then I think you should reread chapter 1(?) of DR about starting over with a Beginner's mind. Im not saying that you had a better choice, but I think it's better to think that you choose to do something than feel like you are forced to do something. For example:
It's a little unclear from your posts how you determined the car was not working correctly, but it sounds like she was out somewhere and was able to get it back to your place. The way I see it, you had a number of choices: - repair the car - let her figure out how to get it repaired - let her buy a new car - figure out how to operate with one car Im not saying that these are BETTER options. All of the other ones include some cost from a time or money aspect that is probably not a good solution. But next time, when she asks you to do something (or...I guess...doesnt), remember to think about what options you do have. Then decide which one is the best. You ALWAYS have choices.
Originally Posted By: tkdmme
I will not intervene in any of her bad choices that only effect her. But if it effects me and the kids I have to intervene.
In general, I agree, but theres a line, fuzzy as it may be. Duke posted an example of a trampoline back up in your thread. He believes that if he didnt take it down, then the kids would blame HIM for being lazy, even though his W wanted to have it moved and his FRIEND that agreed to move it flaked out. His wife made bad choices that impacted the kids' happiness, and he intervened. But for the life of me, I cant understand why. OK, I can. But it's in doing something for his W in the name of doing it for the kids.
Getting the kids to school - yes. make sure that is possible if your W cant handle it. Having the kids toy available for them to play with - no. thats W's problem.
Ultimaely, we all have choices. Thats why what MWD writes about making them is so meaningful. Every time you face a choice - something youre going to say, something youre going to do, something youre NOT going to say....think Is what I am about to do or say getting me closer or farther from my goal?. If it's farther....dont do it!
This is all very tricky stuff, I've been caught up in this one more than once.
Its tough with kids ... and the WAW/WW knows ... at least mine did, call it mind reading but the WW/WAW can manipulate things to go their way and they will certainly use the kids to gain advantage ... least mine surely did. I am not saying yours did but I do think the point being driven here is be mindful of the situation as its very easy for both sides to say "its for the kids" ... especially you, Your W fired you and with that comes the responsibility of being a single parent, this is the life she will live, the results of her choice right? Bailing her out 'for the kids' can work against you ... but so can not being there and making sure your kids are take care of. You have to get to a place where you do these things not because of her .. but because of you.
I see the fact you fixed the car something you would have done for her, or someone you lived next to. Just an act of goodwill ... if you can stay in this mindset you are on the right path ... however if you fixed it and in your mind you tell yourself "see she needs me" or as you said "I will not be her maintenance guy" showed a bit of resentment and maybe you had some expectations after will bring only bitterness and not get you where you need to be ... think big game here, not just this one play.
Personally I found myself doing things for my S, as a way to show W what a great father I was but more so to 'win her back' thinking if I proved I was there ... she will have a change of heart .... inadvertently I was spoon feeding...heck shoveling cake. Not only was I living the single parent life on my own ... I was also the on-call step in babysitter/care giver/provider for W . Once I cut that and picked my battles there (Asking myself BEFORE I acted ... Is this REALLY for S, or for W?) ... reality started setting in for her, not only was she losing her H (this was her choice) she also started noticing that she was eliminating S's father 50% of the time and SHE had to pick up the slack I always held.... and No one .. not OM, OM2, 3 4 ... keep counting ... could EVER be the father I am. This is where you are the prize, the total package.
