Zelda - Baby One More Time

[Zelda09]

My IC has for 2nd time suggested I consider drugs.
I will pull myself out of this without them. I am going to increase my schedule demands during the day.

I still don't know what my past really was and it is hard to go forward into the future without some way to make it all add up. So I have tried to just accept that it doesn't and that is how it will sum up, as an irrational number.

I just hurt endlessly.

I can't believe he, who loved me so much, could have treated me this way and never to look back, like I was nothing. There was always some sign after every dip of the roller coaster that he cared, and the silence has been deafening. It is hard not to see him as evil. I do not want to see him again, ever, but in ten days I have to.

I've decided it's the nature of abuse to not want equality in a partnership. To diminish, shame, scare, and control so that a safe place of power is maintained.

One photo I found of our old texts from last year when I was on my way to meet him and said something he didn't like about how his ongoing case effected both of us and we needed to be able to talk about it:

H: go F off!
(An hour goes by)
H: where are you?
Z: per your request, I've decided to F off.
H: but K is here helping,she asked about you, you're going to leave her to do all the work?
H: as if you even cared that Id have a chair to sit in.

Notice how he swings from intimidation to guilt, implying how selfish I am.

What incredible anxiety must lie under all that. I will not pity him though. He has a mans intelligence, if not a developed heart, and he could have made the decision long ago to grow up if he wanted to.


Instead he'll go through life finding fault with every mirror he looks into until he finally smashes it into the ground.

I want to tell his old friends about the 'running' they told me of, what it all was those years. I want to find the exes and talk to them, but he never made mention of their names, whereabouts or anything but their craziness.

The last one, he said she cut her wrists trying to break into his place. One before that, threw a computer at him. He broke things off immediately with both, he'd told me. I wonder now if he wasn't the one bleeding on a windowsill or hurling a monitor cross the room.