Hopeless in NYC

[eclipse]

Remember the100% rule?

At this point, no, I do not. Remind me please?

There doesn't seem to be any remorse for her actions, that bothers me a great deal.

No, there is no remorse. In fact, the first time I called her after that outing where she admitted sleeping around and I asked to speak with her in person, she immediately became defensive about it and said she won't apologize, she's not sorry for any of it because she was planning on leaving and needed to resort to such measures to get over me and save herself (I didn't even get to tell her why I wanted to see her).

She blames me completely. Apparently my depression is my fault because I "chose" to be in that frame of mind by not listening to her for years and intentionally avoiding getting help. The unplanned pregnancy and entire cascade of events (money problems, isolation, frustration) which resulted in me sinking to such a low state is my fault because I didn't use a condom and she warned me that if she ever got pregnant, she's keeping the child (she repeated this so many times over the years that I'm questioning my own memory of whether this is so). Also, when I pointed out that D is suffering because of what she is doing, the first thing I was told post-denial was that I should just take D with me to IC.

I would also like to add that she mentioned she's somewhat afraid to come back because she thinks I'll lash out at her at some point in the future for her infidelity. But again, no remorse that it happened...it was all justified. There was a time when I thought maybe she doesn't understand that her actions cause others to feel pain. But she clearly does, and she's only concerned how it will affect her (interesting example is how her story has changed from being afraid that I would commit suicide to being afraid that I would hit her). Anyone who indicates that they are hurting because of anything related to her decisions needs to be "fixed" by going to therapy.

I present the list of reasons she gave for considering coming back:

• our D, because she's drawing pictures of mommy and daddy holding hands
• I've been diligent about IC, so she doesn't want that to go to waste
• even the older guys she's gone out with don't seem interested/ready to lead family life
• we've been together for so long and it's hard to just throw that away

But "it's not because she loves me or anything like that."

If this were my own sitch I would refer to this as 'hoovering'.

What is hoovering?

I have red warning flags but I haven't ever been in piecing.

Care to share what those red flags might be? Also, is this really the "piecing" stage?