Getting over an affair is probably one of the most difficult things one can do. It’s a deep cut, that. Makes us look at ourselves differently. Makes us wonder whether we are so lacking that our spouse made that choice.
We all had stuff in our marriage that contributed to the breakdown of it. Knowing that, I used the affair as the catalyst for the changes I needed to make. It allowed me to look at the ways I may failed in my marriage.
Your wife was unhappy. She didn’t know why. She made some bad choices in her search to feel better. It isn’t the choice you may have made, but, you are not her and you are not in crisis.
As far as he is concerned, he is a fairly typical affair partner. They normally affair down. They choose people who lack many things. It's why the affair very often doesn't last.
He isn’t the problem. The affair isn’t the problem. The problems are the fallout from it. Those are the things that you need to work on…not the bed, the couch, fb or rings. The thing you need to do is to accept that she is human. She is broken and she made some really bad decisions.
So, he is not important. Not in any real sense. He just isn’t. He was a symptom of a crisis and of stuff in a marriage that needed looking into.
Every time you react in a way that is not conducive to whom you’ve become…you make him bigger and more important.
The resulting feelings of rejection and betrayal from the affair become rocks around our necks. We wear them like a shield. Using them to stop what is needed to get in and that is acceptance. Didn’t mean we have to like it or understand it. We just have to accept the choices they’ve made.
Ok, so, I wanted to clarify something. When I write that you may have moved too quickly, I am not talking about that you have “let her off too easily” Because when you say that, it kinda reads like you are in charge of dolling out punishment. When I was going through this, I learned that people do the best they can with what they know, with where they are and with what they’ve got. Not my place to judge, nor my place to condemn because I can only be in control of my actions.
I mean that in order to weather this storm, you have to build a good foundation. In order to do that, you need to be in a place of strength. The way you get there is by consistent actions over time, and by slowly regaining trust. I just think it’s more difficult to do that when you move quickly towards living together before either of you may have let go of what you needed to.
Either way, you have to trust yourself. You have to know, deep within your heart that who you are now is what matters. You have to trust that no matter what happens, you will be ok. You have to own those things that you did in your marriage that caused harm and then you have to forgive yourself and forgive her. (yea, yea, I know AJ…she has to want forgiveness ).
Maybe the damage is so great that you can’t make this work. But let that decision come after you do what you need to do. Let go of what you can. Accept what you cant and then….see where you have landed.
I am not saying that it is easy cuz it isn’t. But it’s the way towards peace for you no matter where this goes.
I am, as always, over here rooting you on with all I have. 
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