"EXW has come forward on a few occasions and I have closed the door I think my insecurities lead me to jump before im pushed even if no one is really pushing"

RD, this part jumped out at me. My perception of your sitch is that your W has lost herself just now - either through depression or MLC or similar. I get the thing about OM - and he may even be something of a 'project' or a replacement for the loss of her own caring role within the family - IDK. But wounded birds tend to gravitate towards other wounded birds at times like this.

She feels he wouldn't judge (because of his own unhealthy state) and perhaps she feels you would (because of your own healthier state??)

But in terms of your statement above - if your fear currently leads you to 'close the door' when your W comes forward, how could you do this differently? What is it you do at the moment which closes it and how could you keep it a little more open.

I don't think your W is ready yet, but if she does feel she wanted to come home - she may feel you would never be able to forgive, given all that has transpired.

Just a few thoughts anyway RD - enjoy the rest of your weekend xx

T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus