The World is A-changin'

[Elly4]

I'm devastated tonight. I thought a lot about what you said Zues and I've read it before. Tonight for the first time since April, H wanted to talk. He told me that he still wants a D and now that I'm working we should start thinking along those lines. He asked if I still refused to sign the D papers if he got them. I said yes. I told him that I appreciated him telling me how he was feeling and that I still thought we might work on our M.

He said that he can't work our M because he always feels guilty for causing me pain. I apolgized for making him feel that way. He said I didn't, it was just him. That I hadn't done anything wrong and it was all him. I brought up the sex issue and he kept saying that sex had very little to do with it as he knew what he was getting in to before he married me. I told him that I still wanted to own my lack in that area and that I was more than willing to meet an MC to talk over issues.

He got red eyed and said he couldn't and that he's just unhappy and nothing is going to change because it's not me.


I saw that the conversation seemed to be a cheeseless tunnel, so I reiterated that I heard he was still wanting to divorce me and that he doesn't know the next step, but that there needed to be. He said yes and then said don't you sound clinical. I told him if I sounded that way it was because I was trying not to get emotional and that sometimes I misinterpret what he says. By repeating it I hope I get what he's saying.

Now I'm in my room. Crying and devastated again. He also had our S all day and so the reality of significant less time with our son is setting in. I really don't understand God's path for me tonight. And I miss someone holding me while I cry.