Sotto Voce

[Sotto]

Dawn, thank you. I'm glad that resonated with you and V, thanks for the hug.

I woke this morning after a dream about H. We were on a trip, in a big house with friends. I realised he wasn't there in the lounge and had a 'bad feeling.' I went up into our room, and there he was in bed with a woman (not OW.) Get out - I said to her and she scuttled out. I packed my stuff. Said to him - that's the last time this will happen and left. Weird that I have not really dreamed about him at all...and not a great start to the day.

I had an introspective journey, driving to see my friend. There's something I want to journal that has been bothering me. A couple of years after we M, I realised there was some interest in me from a male colleague. The thing was, I was quite flattered and for a few months, our working R strayed into the odd chatty/slightly flirty email outside of work. I was shocked, because I loved H and had never thought I would be attracted to anyone else.

I recall lying in bed one night, thinking about the potential for something to happen and I had a really important thought. My thought was this - I love H, and I could never lay my head happily on the pillow next to his having betrayed him. Somehow after that thought, the interest ebbed away and this guy left the organisation months later. I'm so glad I had that thought. H knows all of this, but I didn't tell him until after BD.

But what I was thinking about today was that some of my needs weren't being met - even at that time. H was working away part of the week, SS lived with us at weekends, so most of the time H was home, we were parenting. I struggled somewhat with the bond with SS. I had found it easier to play and find common ground with a boy of 5/6/7 than one of 10/11/12. I'm so glad to have been a step parent - but there were weekends when I just didn't really feel like doing it. And I always felt I should be doing a better job. I guess in some ways I felt a little stifled and I can remember looking at little flats and dreaming of having my own little place (be careful what you wish for.)

I also think that neither H and I managed to be that open emotionally with each other. Due to fear, I don't think we revealed our true selves and discussed our innermost thoughts. I also think that my own fears.....about somehow not being 'enough' limited me in some ways. Not in drastic ways - but limited nonetheless.

I also lost some interest in our SL. We always ML regularly, but I did go through a time when I can recall feeling less enthusiastic about it. Maybe partly linked to menopause, or maybe just not feeling the emotional closeness with H.....or just getting tied up with responsibilities, IDK. Sometimes H would want sexual closeness when I wanted emotional - he might grab my bottom when I would have preferred a hug, and there were times when I brushed him off.

I guess I'm just trying to process my part in things. Many of us post to each other and we say our S's must be mad to let us go etc. But actually, I think it is hard to have a good M. And whilst in many ways I was a lovely W and I didn't deserve for our M to end so horribly - in some of the ways above, I could have done better. I was never really mean or critical, but there were times when I felt resentful and didn't talk it through - just thought it was the ups and downs of life and I needed to get on with it.

I'm not saying H was perfect either - but I don't think it serves me well to take the high road and let him bear so much blame for the demise of our M.

Other than this introspection on the way - I had a very nice day out with old friend I haven't seen for six months & hope everyone else is having a good weekend xx